Well, the long national nightmare is over. At least for me.
SPOILER ALERT: If you don't want to know before you read the recap who won last night, skip down to the broken line now.
The winner of the "Greatest American Dog" reality series is Presley, an 18-month-old boxer whose owner is Travis, a 29-year-old bartender formerly from Perry, Okla., now living in LA. Where is he pursuing an acting career. Now we see why he was on the show.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
There was a lot of yacking on last night's show, the finale of the 10-week series.
JD and Laurie continued to butt heads about who is the best dog trainer and my methods works better than yours do, so there, nyah, nyah.
Just. Shut. Up.
The first challenge was one to eliminate the third wheel on the show.
It was to be an "intensive interview," so said the Weasel host.
Up first was Laurie & Andrew.
Judge Britty McBrit asked Laurie how she pushed Andrew during the competition. (I thought Britty was against anything deemed "aggressive" during training, so why did she use the word "pushed"?)
Laurie replied she didn't think a lot of the challenges were not geared toward smaller dogs, but she still had him do them.
Judge Clutchy McClutch (the poor dog she has a strangle hold on is ironically named Lucky) said that Andrew's world would fall apart if anything happened to Laurie.
"He'd be fine," Laurie said. She said she doesn't think there's anything wrong with raising Andrew to be so completely dependent on someone.
The scariest part of the interview was the "hands on" part with Clutchy, who amazingly gave poor Lucky over to Judge Old Guy.
Laurie has to go to the green room while Clutchy handles Andrew. She puts him down on the platform as Old Guy approaches with Lucky, who is even smaller than Andrew.
Andrew jumps off the platform and runs to the exit Laurie went through. Clutchy has to bring him back. Smooth move, Andrew. Sounds like you don't want Laurie to win $250,000.
After he is lugged back into the arena, Andrew runs around with Lucky, but then resumed his search for Laurie.
For JD's interview, Britty very sternly asked him what new thing Galaxy had learned during the competition.
He said that he (not Galaxy) had "opened his mind" to many different training techniques, but that he "didn't learn a ton."
Britty positively glowered as she asked him to describe his training technique. JD said his voice was stern and "I mean what I say and that's all I have to do."
JD: "So it's a real just mellow technique." Huh?
Clutchy examines Galaxy and asks how often she's bathed. JD grins and says only a couple times of year, but the rest of the time she's in the river, cleaning herself naturally.
Clutchy said a dog should be bathed once a month, and that "the Greatest American Dog should have a clean coat, and a beautiful smile with clean teeth."
When it was Travis & Presley's turn, Clutchy asked him what he's done right during the competition.
He said he was watching the other dogs to take what they do and try it with Presley. Old Guy wondered what surprised Travis most about Presley, and Travis said it was the way he feels affects his dog.
Travis said they "represent, like, a great dog and a great owner with a great relationship." Great.
Then Britty shows off her dog training skills — nonaggressively, of course — by teaching Presley to not take a treat until she says so.
While the judges deliberate, there's more yacking going on.
JD: "I would be just be so bummed to miss out on the biggest opportunity of my life to be eliminated. It would be a crusher, man." Words make sentence almost, dude.
Laurie: "I want to go to the end now, we are so close. It won't just be a loss for me, it will be a loss on positive dog friendly training as well." Don't worry, Laurie, we will survive.
Travis: "We are probably still the underdogs." Have no fear ... (Cue "Underdog" theme song)
The judges come back and Britty said that JD's relationship with Galaxy is based more on controlling domination than cooperation. Old Guy said Presley has potential, but "we are not sure that he has what it takes or you have what it takes." Clutchy said that Andrew is an adorable dog, but has separation anxiety.
JD & Galaxy are sent packing. Laurie says, "Oh my god."
Before his loser lap, JD said he is one of the most affectionate people you will ever see with animals. "It's too bad they didn't see that and the talent we have and the experience," he said. Britty purses her lips, obviously upset that JD hasn't seen the wisdom of her ways.
Everyone applauds.
Then bizarrely, and I had to replay it a couple of times to make myself believe what I saw, JD turned Galaxy upside down, her front paws on the floor and holding her back paws up in the air, touching them together.
JD: "And I hope America claps her hands, too. And I definitely wouldn't call it dominance training." OK. We get it. Now go away.
The second challenge was an agility run. First, the dog pushes a button then goes through a maze, then over teeter-totters, then across a narrow beam that sways from side to side, then jumping from platform to platform over spaces twice the dog's body length.
Then they brought back Susie the elephant to have the dogs fetch their favorite toy thrown underneath the beast, who has one leg held up (the better to crush you with, I guess).
They were judged on the owner's use of commands, owner's proximity to the dog, overall performance and overall progress.
Travis & Presley went first, going easily through the maze and over the other things. Travis squeaked Presley's toy repeatedly and tossed it under the elephant. The poor pooch hesitated to go under Susie, so eventually Travis went under the elephant himself. Presley finally took the toy.
Laurie & Andrew got through the maze, went very slowly on the teeter-totters, hesitantly on the beam, but flew over the platforms. Laurie tossed a toy under the elephant and there was no hesitation on Andrew's part to dash underneath and get it.
Back in the Best in Show arena, all the losers are there, with JD still looking mighty pissed.
Britty tells Travis that Presley showed tenacity, but he probably made it more difficult for the dog to go under Susie. "You had the squeaky toy and were squeaking all the time," Britty said. "It was making the elephant a little bit uncomfortable and then I think the elephant felt that stress and it went to Presley as well."
So tell me again how dominance training is bad but putting a manic dog under a nervous elephant is OK.
Clutchy told Laurie she thought she was mothering Andrew and was way too close to him during the agility part. "Then with the elephant it was incredible," Clutchy said.
Then there was MORE yacking during the final interview.
Just. Shut. Up.
Laurie said Andrew isn't really a clingy dog, blah, blah, blah. Travis said the competition was an amazing experience, blah, blah, blah, and will probably look real good on his resume.
He didn't really say that, but come on. He must have been thinking it, being an actor/bartender or bartender/actor.
The judges deliberate. Britty: "I have to say this is difficult."
Just make up your mind.
How many hours has this episode been on? Three? Four?
Anyway, finally, the Weasel announces the winner: Presley.
Presley: "Bark."
Travis: "Presley is the man." No, he's a dog. "He is amazing, and I love him."
Laurie said she is leaving with her head held "super high. We are going to continue with our great relationship."
Travis said, "I came here as a guy with a dog and 10 weeks later I'm leaving with the Greatest American Dog."
So it's over. I have to say that was the longest hour I've ever sat through.
I have two questions: How many of you sat there thinking "My dog's the greatest American dog, not any of those"?
Come on. (My hand's raised.)
And, do you think this show should come back next year?
(My hand's not raised.)
Showing posts with label kill me now. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kill me now. Show all posts
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Greatest American Dog — episode 9
Don't worry, Galaxy is OK. And also don't worry, because there's only one more episode after this one.
Galaxy's injury was ... psychosomatic, or something.
JD (of & Galaxy) said, "Galaxy is my best bud and the love of my life and even if it was 10 million bucks and my dog was injured I would never ever push her."
JD believes in run-on sentences, but does he believe that pushing a dog for $250,000 is OK?
Seriously, Galaxy showed up in the last show with a limp. You remember the last episode? The one with elephants and flying dogs?
JD took Galaxy to the vet but the limp was gone by then.
That was easy.
The theme this week was loyalty, shown by the dog's ability to focus and its desire to please its owner, so said the Weasel host.
For the Golden Bone Challenge (I keep telling myself that after next week if there is a God I'll never have to type Golden Bone Challenge again), the dogs will face their humans while both are standing on tree stumps 15 feet away from each other. The dog has to stay in a sit or a stand and cannot lie down.
The winning team will be the one to stay on their stump the longest.
Laurie (of & Andrew) said her training method is, of course, superior to all the others who will constantly and repeatedly tell the dog to stay, stay, stay, while pointing their fingers at them.
Laurie's method, so she says, is to tell the dog once and stand there with arms folded.
They are the first to be eliminated, naturally. (If I could type this with my arms folded, I would.)
Galaxy folded (Ha) next, leaving Travis & Presley and Teresa & Leroy on the stumps. Travis is getting freaked about how Presley is acting, not wanting to make him more uncomfortable as the seconds tick by.
Travis tries to make a deal with Teresa to both end it and share the luxury suite and the advantage. She will have none of it, so Travis buckles. Really both man and dog seemed relieved to have it over with.
Teresa: "He's (Leroy) here to win ... and that was a sign of loyalty." Yeah, right, it was Leroy's idea to do this show.
Travis: "My only regret was I didn't call it off sooner."
For the elimination challenge, the humans would be training each other's dogs. But they weren't given any more information than that. Only Teresa, because she won the first challenge, would find out early, as her "leg up."
Laurie, naturally, doesn't want anyone messing with Andrew. "I don't give my dog over to other people," she said. "I would never want anyone to do something to undermine what he feels about me."
In the confines of the luxury suite, Teresa reads a note that outlines the elimination challenge. "You and your dog will be stationed in the middle of a semicircle. Each one of the others will try and lure your dog out of the semicircle. It will be a test of your dog's loyalty whether to stay with you or be tempted by distractions," the note read.
Each human had an hour to bond with each of the others' dogs. Teresa used her time to undermine the other dogs' loyalty, so she thinks.
Of all the dogs, Andrew didn't want to have anything with anyone else. During his hours with Travis and JD, he kept trying to get away. Andrew left the house and went back to Laurie, while JD was trying to find him. He even asked Laurie if she'd seen a little white dog around, and she said no, even though Andrew was right there.
In the Best in Show arena, the three humans who didn't already know what was going to happen were told. The challenge was called "Me or Them."
They would be judged on three criteria: the owner's use of commands, the dog's focus and the dog's overall loyalty.
A dog is trained or not trained to maintain a sit, stand or whatever. Kate may be loyal to me, but if she breaks a sit, it's because I haven't trained her well enough.
Laurie & Andrew are up first. Not surprisingly, Andrew couldn't care less about any of the other humans. In fact, the pooch yawned during the antics of the other owners.
Remember when Laurie said her training method was to tell the dog once and then stand there? Well, she didn't follow her own advice. She kept saying to Andrew, "Ah, ah, ah, leave it."
Whatever she did worked. Though I think that Andrew's dependence on her is weird. This is coming from a dog owner whose pup will come upstairs at night, but then go back downstairs after a little while to sleep the rest of the night. Then when I come downstairs in the morning, Kate will go upstairs.
I don't take it personally.
Galaxy stayed, Leroy stayed and Presley didn't.
Leroy, when he was released from the command, went over to the Weasel. Teresa called to him, saying, "He's not your friend." She is strange.
Britty McBrit said everyone should take a leaf out of Laurie's book. "There wasn't anything threatening in her body at all. She was giving commands. Kudos to you."
People actually say "kudos to you"?
Clutchy McClutch said she thought Andrew was a little too attached, and Laurie said he was in no way nervous. "He just prefers me," she said. To which JD sarcastically said, "Yeah."
Old Guy said Leroy was frantic. "He was kind of jumping out of his skin," he said, adding that his barking was a sign of frustration.
Old Guy also said that Galaxy, though she performed for JD, was robotic. Britty added that she found JD extremely threatening toward his dog.
Then in one of the most annoying things on the program (and that's saying a lot), Britty said, "JD, look at me. Do not take your eyes away from me. Is that a threatening stance to you?"
JD: "No, ma'am." Did see really expect him to crater?
Clutchy said that Travis & Presley have the cutest relationship, but Presley is too young (read, untrained) to sit there and listen to Travis. Britty said that it was great that Presley came back to Travis even if he broke the command.
Then we got to see what the judges talk about when they deliberate. Still doesn't make me like any of them.
Clutchy wanted to ax Travis & Presley, Britty wanted to get rid of Teresa & Leroy and Old Guy repeated that his Galaxy-is-robotic comment. He needs new material.
Special recognition went to Laurie & Andrew.
Again, Old Guy said Galaxy was robotic. "She was executing commands, not displaying loyalty," he said. (See my comment above.)
Britty said Teresa forgot what the challenge was about: not obedience, but loyalty. (See my comment above.)
Clutchy said Presley didn't have any focus.
JD & Galaxy were chosen to remain.
Britty: "This is really a tough decision for all of us tonight. Do you expel a dog that stayed inside the circle, but did so out of fear or do you expel a dog that left the circle but came back to the owner out of love and respect?"
The loser? Teresa & Leroy.
She said they both grew so much in a just a few weeks. "I am going to be so thankful for eveything that he gives me," Teresa said.
Leroy barked. Natch.
Next week is the finally. Ur, the finale.
Looks like there will be more elephants. Sigh.
Galaxy's injury was ... psychosomatic, or something.
JD (of & Galaxy) said, "Galaxy is my best bud and the love of my life and even if it was 10 million bucks and my dog was injured I would never ever push her."
JD believes in run-on sentences, but does he believe that pushing a dog for $250,000 is OK?
Seriously, Galaxy showed up in the last show with a limp. You remember the last episode? The one with elephants and flying dogs?
JD took Galaxy to the vet but the limp was gone by then.
That was easy.
The theme this week was loyalty, shown by the dog's ability to focus and its desire to please its owner, so said the Weasel host.
For the Golden Bone Challenge (I keep telling myself that after next week if there is a God I'll never have to type Golden Bone Challenge again), the dogs will face their humans while both are standing on tree stumps 15 feet away from each other. The dog has to stay in a sit or a stand and cannot lie down.
The winning team will be the one to stay on their stump the longest.
Laurie (of & Andrew) said her training method is, of course, superior to all the others who will constantly and repeatedly tell the dog to stay, stay, stay, while pointing their fingers at them.
Laurie's method, so she says, is to tell the dog once and stand there with arms folded.
They are the first to be eliminated, naturally. (If I could type this with my arms folded, I would.)
Galaxy folded (Ha) next, leaving Travis & Presley and Teresa & Leroy on the stumps. Travis is getting freaked about how Presley is acting, not wanting to make him more uncomfortable as the seconds tick by.
Travis tries to make a deal with Teresa to both end it and share the luxury suite and the advantage. She will have none of it, so Travis buckles. Really both man and dog seemed relieved to have it over with.
Teresa: "He's (Leroy) here to win ... and that was a sign of loyalty." Yeah, right, it was Leroy's idea to do this show.
Travis: "My only regret was I didn't call it off sooner."
For the elimination challenge, the humans would be training each other's dogs. But they weren't given any more information than that. Only Teresa, because she won the first challenge, would find out early, as her "leg up."
Laurie, naturally, doesn't want anyone messing with Andrew. "I don't give my dog over to other people," she said. "I would never want anyone to do something to undermine what he feels about me."
In the confines of the luxury suite, Teresa reads a note that outlines the elimination challenge. "You and your dog will be stationed in the middle of a semicircle. Each one of the others will try and lure your dog out of the semicircle. It will be a test of your dog's loyalty whether to stay with you or be tempted by distractions," the note read.
Each human had an hour to bond with each of the others' dogs. Teresa used her time to undermine the other dogs' loyalty, so she thinks.
Of all the dogs, Andrew didn't want to have anything with anyone else. During his hours with Travis and JD, he kept trying to get away. Andrew left the house and went back to Laurie, while JD was trying to find him. He even asked Laurie if she'd seen a little white dog around, and she said no, even though Andrew was right there.
In the Best in Show arena, the three humans who didn't already know what was going to happen were told. The challenge was called "Me or Them."
They would be judged on three criteria: the owner's use of commands, the dog's focus and the dog's overall loyalty.
A dog is trained or not trained to maintain a sit, stand or whatever. Kate may be loyal to me, but if she breaks a sit, it's because I haven't trained her well enough.
Laurie & Andrew are up first. Not surprisingly, Andrew couldn't care less about any of the other humans. In fact, the pooch yawned during the antics of the other owners.
Remember when Laurie said her training method was to tell the dog once and then stand there? Well, she didn't follow her own advice. She kept saying to Andrew, "Ah, ah, ah, leave it."
Whatever she did worked. Though I think that Andrew's dependence on her is weird. This is coming from a dog owner whose pup will come upstairs at night, but then go back downstairs after a little while to sleep the rest of the night. Then when I come downstairs in the morning, Kate will go upstairs.
I don't take it personally.
Galaxy stayed, Leroy stayed and Presley didn't.
Leroy, when he was released from the command, went over to the Weasel. Teresa called to him, saying, "He's not your friend." She is strange.
Britty McBrit said everyone should take a leaf out of Laurie's book. "There wasn't anything threatening in her body at all. She was giving commands. Kudos to you."
People actually say "kudos to you"?
Clutchy McClutch said she thought Andrew was a little too attached, and Laurie said he was in no way nervous. "He just prefers me," she said. To which JD sarcastically said, "Yeah."
Old Guy said Leroy was frantic. "He was kind of jumping out of his skin," he said, adding that his barking was a sign of frustration.
Old Guy also said that Galaxy, though she performed for JD, was robotic. Britty added that she found JD extremely threatening toward his dog.
Then in one of the most annoying things on the program (and that's saying a lot), Britty said, "JD, look at me. Do not take your eyes away from me. Is that a threatening stance to you?"
JD: "No, ma'am." Did see really expect him to crater?
Clutchy said that Travis & Presley have the cutest relationship, but Presley is too young (read, untrained) to sit there and listen to Travis. Britty said that it was great that Presley came back to Travis even if he broke the command.
Then we got to see what the judges talk about when they deliberate. Still doesn't make me like any of them.
Clutchy wanted to ax Travis & Presley, Britty wanted to get rid of Teresa & Leroy and Old Guy repeated that his Galaxy-is-robotic comment. He needs new material.
Special recognition went to Laurie & Andrew.
Again, Old Guy said Galaxy was robotic. "She was executing commands, not displaying loyalty," he said. (See my comment above.)
Britty said Teresa forgot what the challenge was about: not obedience, but loyalty. (See my comment above.)
Clutchy said Presley didn't have any focus.
JD & Galaxy were chosen to remain.
Britty: "This is really a tough decision for all of us tonight. Do you expel a dog that stayed inside the circle, but did so out of fear or do you expel a dog that left the circle but came back to the owner out of love and respect?"
The loser? Teresa & Leroy.
She said they both grew so much in a just a few weeks. "I am going to be so thankful for eveything that he gives me," Teresa said.
Leroy barked. Natch.
Next week is the finally. Ur, the finale.
Looks like there will be more elephants. Sigh.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Greatest American Dog — episode 8
If I hadn't been told what the theme of last night's episode of Greatest American Dog was, I never would have guessed it.
My first choice was "Stupidity." Then I decided the theme was "How to Scare the Bejesus Out of Your Dog (paper towels and Clorox extra)."
While I feel in my heart I was right, the theme, according to the Weasel Host, was "Courage."
Yes, the housemates found the courage to talk about Beth (Ugh) Joy now that she's gone. Yes, they found deep within themselves the courage to make fun of her.
I'm so proud.
And the housemates also found the courage to try and make their dogs do really stupid things, like sit and watch a 9,000-pound African elephant named Susie come charging toward them.
That was the Golden Bone challenge, which should have been renamed the Bonehead challenge for this week.
The poor trusting animals (the dogs, not their money grubbing humans) had to sit in a circle while Susie came toward them, at one point thrashing her head and making scary elephant noises.
If the dog stayed in the circle while Susie grabbed a banana with its trunk (I'm not making this up) the dog wins.
Unbelievably, Andrew (of Laurie &) and Presley (of Travis &) stayed put. Presley left the circle a split second after Susie took the banana.
Leroy, Star and Galaxy had the good sense to get the hell away from the elephant.
The tie breaker had Andrew and Presley in a sit-stay, with their humans off to the side facing them. Susie then charged toward them. The first dog to break the sit-stay loses.
Presley had the good sense to get out of the way of a charging elephant.
Laurie gets the luxury suite and a letter from her husband. She shows she actually has the courage to have feelings.
The elimination challenge has the trusting dogs go up an incline, across a bridge and then leap off a ledge and travel down a zip line.
I wouldn't do it, and they are making these poor dogs do it?
The Weasel said, "This may be the toughest challenge yet."
I didn't think anything would be more dangerous to the dogs than a 9,000-pound elephant, but there you have it.
The humans could choose to have their trusting dogs go up a steep incline or one that is not as difficult and across a narrow bridge or one that is wider. As far as "the leap of trust" they either do it or don't do it. The landing is 32 feet high and the zip line to which they are harnessed is 50 feet long.
The dogs and humans are suited up in harnesses. That way no one can get hurt, right?
JD & Galaxy are up first. Up the steep incline, no problem. Across the narrow bridge, no problem. JD goes down the zip line and calls Galaxy. Galaxy jumps off, coming down the zip line wagging its tail.
Teresa & Leroy go up the steep incline. Leroy barks. Teresa tells him to shut up. They go across the narrow bridge. Then comes the leap. Teresa keeps calling Leroy, he obviously doesn't want to jump.
After a commercial, we see Leroy frantically pacing along the edge of the platform as Teresa, ever more shrill, keeps telling him to come. The poor dog eventually jumps off, gliding down the zip line, its legs stiff.
Bill & Star go up the easier ramp, then across the narrow bridge. Bill goes down the zip line, but Star refuses. After a bit, the Weasel asks Bill, "Are you calling it quits?" when the question should be "Do you think you shouldn't keep asking your dog to something it doesn't want to do?"
Travis & Presley go up the steep incline and across the narrow bridge. Presley jumps off the ledge and flails his legs all the way down.
Laurie & Andrew go up the easier ramp as quickly as Andrew's tiny legs can, and across the narrow bridge, also quickly. Despite a squeaky toy, Andrew doesn't budge from the ledge.
Judge Britty said that "jumping from a height takes tremendous courage." No, it doesn't. The dogs didn't exhibit courage; they just trusted their humans and did what they wanted to please them. Remember Star in last week's episode, trying to lie down but getting back up immediately because Bill wanted her to?
The judges loved Leroy's leap of faith but hated his barking, thought JD's constant praise and encourage were impressive, told Travis he needs to be able to control Presley's excitability, chastised Bill for going up the easier ramp and for not making Star jump, told Laurie that a Maltese doing what he did was outstanding, but in the end the dog and his owner were failures because he didn't jump.
While the judges deliberated, or were being told by the producers what to do, the dogtestants went back to the mansion.
Bill said he was glad that challenge was over. Travis said, "Golly." Does anyone say "golly" anymore?
Travis said, "Golly, I got the worst comments of anybody there. My dog did everything it was supposed to do." Can't disagree with you there.
Then Galaxy was shown limping. The pooch was obviously hurt.
They bring in someone to look at the dog and she said it was a muscle strain. JD said he is going to do everything possible to help her and make sure she is rested.
But on with the show.
As the contestants come in to the judges' table -- sorry, that's Top Chef -- the judges' lair, Galaxy is still limping and Britty asks about it.
Judge Old Guy said, "We hope it isn't anything serious." Note, no one said, "Maybe we shouldn't have asked your dogs to leap off tall buildings."
JD & Galaxy get special recognition and Galaxy limps over to stand by the Weasel.
The bottom three:
Laurie & Andrew
Bill & Star
Travis & Presley
Judge Clutchy said Presley was a little out of control. Judge Old Guy said, in a bad way, Star went up the easier ramp, but wouldn't listen to Bill when you encouraged her to jump off the zip line. Judge Britty said -- and I almost threw my laptop at the TV when she said it -- "Laurie and Andrew, Andrew exhibited a lot of stress signals in front of the zip line. Lots of pacing backwards and forwards, which is a stress signal."
Well, yes, the dogs were stressed by this entire episode. You would be stressed too if there was an elephant charging toward you and then you were told to jump off a ledge. How dare they berate the owners for allowing their dogs to be stressed when the entire episode was devised to do just that.
And, excuse me Judge Britty, you didn't say that Leroy was stressed. He was pacing frantically at the edge, but eventually jumped. So I guess that stress was OK. Well, was it?
Bill & Star were chosen to leave. Britty said it was tough for them, but their performance was the weakest. Clutchy kissed whatever it is that she clutches on every show.
The preview of next week's episode hinted that an injury may force JD & Galaxy to go home early.
Happy now, CBS?
My first choice was "Stupidity." Then I decided the theme was "How to Scare the Bejesus Out of Your Dog (paper towels and Clorox extra)."
While I feel in my heart I was right, the theme, according to the Weasel Host, was "Courage."
Yes, the housemates found the courage to talk about Beth (Ugh) Joy now that she's gone. Yes, they found deep within themselves the courage to make fun of her.
I'm so proud.
And the housemates also found the courage to try and make their dogs do really stupid things, like sit and watch a 9,000-pound African elephant named Susie come charging toward them.
That was the Golden Bone challenge, which should have been renamed the Bonehead challenge for this week.
The poor trusting animals (the dogs, not their money grubbing humans) had to sit in a circle while Susie came toward them, at one point thrashing her head and making scary elephant noises.
If the dog stayed in the circle while Susie grabbed a banana with its trunk (I'm not making this up) the dog wins.
Unbelievably, Andrew (of Laurie &) and Presley (of Travis &) stayed put. Presley left the circle a split second after Susie took the banana.
Leroy, Star and Galaxy had the good sense to get the hell away from the elephant.
The tie breaker had Andrew and Presley in a sit-stay, with their humans off to the side facing them. Susie then charged toward them. The first dog to break the sit-stay loses.
Presley had the good sense to get out of the way of a charging elephant.
Laurie gets the luxury suite and a letter from her husband. She shows she actually has the courage to have feelings.
The elimination challenge has the trusting dogs go up an incline, across a bridge and then leap off a ledge and travel down a zip line.
I wouldn't do it, and they are making these poor dogs do it?
The Weasel said, "This may be the toughest challenge yet."
I didn't think anything would be more dangerous to the dogs than a 9,000-pound elephant, but there you have it.
The humans could choose to have their trusting dogs go up a steep incline or one that is not as difficult and across a narrow bridge or one that is wider. As far as "the leap of trust" they either do it or don't do it. The landing is 32 feet high and the zip line to which they are harnessed is 50 feet long.
The dogs and humans are suited up in harnesses. That way no one can get hurt, right?
JD & Galaxy are up first. Up the steep incline, no problem. Across the narrow bridge, no problem. JD goes down the zip line and calls Galaxy. Galaxy jumps off, coming down the zip line wagging its tail.
Teresa & Leroy go up the steep incline. Leroy barks. Teresa tells him to shut up. They go across the narrow bridge. Then comes the leap. Teresa keeps calling Leroy, he obviously doesn't want to jump.
After a commercial, we see Leroy frantically pacing along the edge of the platform as Teresa, ever more shrill, keeps telling him to come. The poor dog eventually jumps off, gliding down the zip line, its legs stiff.
Bill & Star go up the easier ramp, then across the narrow bridge. Bill goes down the zip line, but Star refuses. After a bit, the Weasel asks Bill, "Are you calling it quits?" when the question should be "Do you think you shouldn't keep asking your dog to something it doesn't want to do?"
Travis & Presley go up the steep incline and across the narrow bridge. Presley jumps off the ledge and flails his legs all the way down.
Laurie & Andrew go up the easier ramp as quickly as Andrew's tiny legs can, and across the narrow bridge, also quickly. Despite a squeaky toy, Andrew doesn't budge from the ledge.
Judge Britty said that "jumping from a height takes tremendous courage." No, it doesn't. The dogs didn't exhibit courage; they just trusted their humans and did what they wanted to please them. Remember Star in last week's episode, trying to lie down but getting back up immediately because Bill wanted her to?
The judges loved Leroy's leap of faith but hated his barking, thought JD's constant praise and encourage were impressive, told Travis he needs to be able to control Presley's excitability, chastised Bill for going up the easier ramp and for not making Star jump, told Laurie that a Maltese doing what he did was outstanding, but in the end the dog and his owner were failures because he didn't jump.
While the judges deliberated, or were being told by the producers what to do, the dogtestants went back to the mansion.
Bill said he was glad that challenge was over. Travis said, "Golly." Does anyone say "golly" anymore?
Travis said, "Golly, I got the worst comments of anybody there. My dog did everything it was supposed to do." Can't disagree with you there.
Then Galaxy was shown limping. The pooch was obviously hurt.
They bring in someone to look at the dog and she said it was a muscle strain. JD said he is going to do everything possible to help her and make sure she is rested.
But on with the show.
As the contestants come in to the judges' table -- sorry, that's Top Chef -- the judges' lair, Galaxy is still limping and Britty asks about it.
Judge Old Guy said, "We hope it isn't anything serious." Note, no one said, "Maybe we shouldn't have asked your dogs to leap off tall buildings."
JD & Galaxy get special recognition and Galaxy limps over to stand by the Weasel.
The bottom three:
Laurie & Andrew
Bill & Star
Travis & Presley
Judge Clutchy said Presley was a little out of control. Judge Old Guy said, in a bad way, Star went up the easier ramp, but wouldn't listen to Bill when you encouraged her to jump off the zip line. Judge Britty said -- and I almost threw my laptop at the TV when she said it -- "Laurie and Andrew, Andrew exhibited a lot of stress signals in front of the zip line. Lots of pacing backwards and forwards, which is a stress signal."
Well, yes, the dogs were stressed by this entire episode. You would be stressed too if there was an elephant charging toward you and then you were told to jump off a ledge. How dare they berate the owners for allowing their dogs to be stressed when the entire episode was devised to do just that.
And, excuse me Judge Britty, you didn't say that Leroy was stressed. He was pacing frantically at the edge, but eventually jumped. So I guess that stress was OK. Well, was it?
Bill & Star were chosen to leave. Britty said it was tough for them, but their performance was the weakest. Clutchy kissed whatever it is that she clutches on every show.
The preview of next week's episode hinted that an injury may force JD & Galaxy to go home early.
Happy now, CBS?
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Greatest American Dog — episode 7
The theme of the seventh episode of the Greatest American Dog was search and rescue.
Like search for a way out of the show and rescue any dignity you have left.
The program opened with Beth Joy hugging Travis after the previous elimination round. Travis had stood up for Beth Joy and she said, "Happily, Laura got eliminated. The judges saw through her BS."
There's nothing like a sore winner.
BTW, Bella Starlet must have been channeling Elvis (remember David & Elvis?) because he nipped at Travis and was growling up a storm.
Laurie and JD have a great debate about dog training techniques. She feels he is doing it all wrong (through no-treat reward) and he says the proof is in whose dog is better trained. Let's see, Andrew the dancing fool or Galaxy the hip hop king.
I know where my money would be.
The Dog Bone Challenge this week teams up two contestants and their dogs.
One human gets in a box and waits to be rescued. One dog has to ring a bell and the other has to dig to find a rope which when pulled releases a door that opens allowing the human in the box to get out. Get it? Got it? Good.
JD and Laurie are teamed up (rut-row); Teresa and Beth Joy (Teresa is not amused); and Travis and Bill.
JD & Galaxy and Laurie & Andrew whizz through it, as do Travis & Presley and Bill & Star.
Not surprisingly, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet and Teresa & Leroy don't succeed. Bella Starlet didn't dig for the rope; she barked. Unfortunately, they went ahead and let Beth Joy out of the box.
And now a word about the crappy, infantile editing on this show.
The editing is infantile and crappy.
Team JD/Laurie completed the challenge in 1:45 (min:sec). After announcing that, the Host Weasel says, "Bill and Travis, you completed the challenge in" Cut to commercial. Is that the best you got?
Thank goodness for TiVo so I didn't have to wait an eternity for the results.
Turns out Bill and Travis bested the Odd Couple, coming in at 1:33.
Off to the Dog Bone suite and calls to a "loved one."
Travis calls his mom (awwwwwwww) and cries, and Bill calls his "old woman" and cries. How romantical.
The Best in Show challenge takes place in a maze. Each dog will start at the entrance and its owner will be at the end "guiding" them through. As evidenced by the actual challenge, the "guiding" was done by shouting, pleading and offering of treats.
The twist is that three puppies will be added to the mix, and the dogtestants will have to "rescue" all three by getting them through the maze within five minutes.
The "leg up" for Travis and Bill is a two-hour opportunity to acclimate their dogs to the squiggling, squirming, playful pack of golden retriever puppies.
Presley plays with the puppies like nobody's business, but Star doesn't want anything to do with them. You go, girl.
For the challenge, the judges come out of their cryogenic chambers, which is where I imagine the producers keep them during the rest of the week, to watch the dogs in action.
The owners will be judged on how well they motivate their dogs to get them and the puppies out of the maze. Each will have two minutes in the puppy pen before the task actually starts.
JD & Galaxy go first. JD works Galaxy like a herding dog, stopping and starting her to allow the puppies to follow and find the way out. He got them all out in 3:23.
Bill & Star were next. Star wasn't interested at all in the puppies, but Bill was working her like she was on a four-state cattle drive. The dog even started to lie down, but Bill made her get up and start over. I was beginning to get worried for Star and wondered why the challenge wasn't halted. Even one of the judges said she wanted Bill to stop. Only one pup got out.
Laurie & Andrew were up. Laurie made apologies before it started, saying Andrew would try and find a way out to find her to the exclusion of all others. Only one puppy made it out in time.
Beth Joy gave the puppies such well known commands (and I'm sure they understood her) as "Don't paw at her like that." Bella Starlet was nipping at the puppies because they were annoying her, and, frankly, because email isn't efficient for dogs in situations like this. There is no other way to get the message across. No puppies make it out in time and neither does Bella Starlet.
Travis & Presley's turn didn't go well. Presley runs through the maze like the wind, but doesn't pay any attention to the puppies. Probably because the pups were having a good time playing together. By the end of five minutes, no puppies had gotten out.
Teresa's strategy with Leroy is to be as low-key, low-energy as possible, which of course you couldn't tell from the way she immediately acted. Amazingly, the puppies follow Leroy (or Lee-Lee as Teresa was calling him) perfectly through and out the maze, as if they had been attached by a rope. They made it out in 4:31.
The judges were amazed at Teresa and Leroy's performance, saying Leroy really took care of those pups. (No he didn't; they just followed him; please don't project the stupidity of the challenge on these dogs.)
Laurie was reprimanded for Andrew nipping at a puppy. I agree with Laurie that Andrew was simply giving them a message that he wasn't in the mood for hi-jinks. (Again, I think it is ridiculous that the judges and the producers are trying to make us think that the dogs are capable of following the script and know they have to rescue or even take care of these puppies; they were all simply trying to get to their owners and the puppies either followed or didn't.)
Travis was told Presley wasn't engaged with the puppies and had no patience. (See paragraph above.)
Bill was told he was a disappointment in the way he pushed Star, saying the dog even gave him a clear signal by trying to lie down and licking her lips that she was stressed. (Well, did anyone bother to step in and stop Bill from possibly endangering the well being of his dog, or was it just good television?)
Beth Joy's beginning was good, the judges said, but Bella Starlet was stressed and barking constantly and simply wanted to get to her owner, ignoring the puppies. Typically, Beth Joy assumed more than her dog would ever be capable of. She said to the judges, "She was barking them towards a shelter area. She was trying to help them out." Oh, puh-leez.
The judge who shall be called Dog Clutcher was gaa-gaa over JD & Galaxy's performance. She said, "Whatever you whispered in Galaxy's ears worked. ... Move over Cesar Millan."
The judge who shall be called Britty McBrit disagreed. "I believe that any trainer or owner who uses dominance submission methodology, that is medieval dog training. The best scientists and behaviorists (but I'm sure she spelled it behaviourists) in this country agree that to train your dog in a positive manner gives it confidence and security."
Clutchy: "It's not your way or the highway. He has his way of training and you have your way."
Britty: "I totally disagree."
Clutchy: "You think you are the god of dog training." (I almost typed "the dog of god training.")
(Wait for it)
Britty: "Yes, I am, because I follow the very best in this country." (And she's modest, too.)
Clutchy: "That's just ridiculous."
Britty: "Do not say I am ridiculous." (leading me to believe she may not have heard correctly what the very best trainers in this country have said)
Clutchy: "Get over yourself."
Britty: "I am insulted."
Whew. Drama. I was expecting to come back from commercial and find the judge who shall be known as Old Guy in between Britty and Clutchy, keeping them from tearing each other apart.
But alas, Clutchy made nice and said Britty was probably one of the most impressive dog trainers she'd ever seen. They gave each other love pats. Awwww.
Special recognition for the challenge was given to Teresa and Leroy. But the bottom three were Bill & Star, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet and Travis & Presley.
The judges said Travis's hyper energy made it difficult for Presley to do his job (what are they thinking?), Beth Joy's increasingly shrill commands were reduced to bribes of treats and Bill pushed Star through the maze, losing track of what the maze was about.
Who took the loser lap?
Beth Joy & Bella Starlet. The long national nightmare is over, folks.
OK, all kidding aside, time and again the judges say that the dogs are stressed. And time and time again, the dogs are put through challenges that stress them or make their owners crazy and the stress flows down the leash.
Just look at how Star was desperate to end her participation in the challenge after the way Bill was forcing her time and again through the maze.
I just wonder how much money one's dog's well-being is worth. Is $250,000 a good amount for which to compromise your relationship with your dog or its health?
And I don't even want to know what an elephant will be doing in the next episode.
Like search for a way out of the show and rescue any dignity you have left.
The program opened with Beth Joy hugging Travis after the previous elimination round. Travis had stood up for Beth Joy and she said, "Happily, Laura got eliminated. The judges saw through her BS."
There's nothing like a sore winner.
BTW, Bella Starlet must have been channeling Elvis (remember David & Elvis?) because he nipped at Travis and was growling up a storm.
Laurie and JD have a great debate about dog training techniques. She feels he is doing it all wrong (through no-treat reward) and he says the proof is in whose dog is better trained. Let's see, Andrew the dancing fool or Galaxy the hip hop king.
I know where my money would be.
The Dog Bone Challenge this week teams up two contestants and their dogs.
One human gets in a box and waits to be rescued. One dog has to ring a bell and the other has to dig to find a rope which when pulled releases a door that opens allowing the human in the box to get out. Get it? Got it? Good.
JD and Laurie are teamed up (rut-row); Teresa and Beth Joy (Teresa is not amused); and Travis and Bill.
JD & Galaxy and Laurie & Andrew whizz through it, as do Travis & Presley and Bill & Star.
Not surprisingly, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet and Teresa & Leroy don't succeed. Bella Starlet didn't dig for the rope; she barked. Unfortunately, they went ahead and let Beth Joy out of the box.
And now a word about the crappy, infantile editing on this show.
The editing is infantile and crappy.
Team JD/Laurie completed the challenge in 1:45 (min:sec). After announcing that, the Host Weasel says, "Bill and Travis, you completed the challenge in" Cut to commercial. Is that the best you got?
Thank goodness for TiVo so I didn't have to wait an eternity for the results.
Turns out Bill and Travis bested the Odd Couple, coming in at 1:33.
Off to the Dog Bone suite and calls to a "loved one."
Travis calls his mom (awwwwwwww) and cries, and Bill calls his "old woman" and cries. How romantical.
The Best in Show challenge takes place in a maze. Each dog will start at the entrance and its owner will be at the end "guiding" them through. As evidenced by the actual challenge, the "guiding" was done by shouting, pleading and offering of treats.
The twist is that three puppies will be added to the mix, and the dogtestants will have to "rescue" all three by getting them through the maze within five minutes.
The "leg up" for Travis and Bill is a two-hour opportunity to acclimate their dogs to the squiggling, squirming, playful pack of golden retriever puppies.
Presley plays with the puppies like nobody's business, but Star doesn't want anything to do with them. You go, girl.
For the challenge, the judges come out of their cryogenic chambers, which is where I imagine the producers keep them during the rest of the week, to watch the dogs in action.
The owners will be judged on how well they motivate their dogs to get them and the puppies out of the maze. Each will have two minutes in the puppy pen before the task actually starts.
JD & Galaxy go first. JD works Galaxy like a herding dog, stopping and starting her to allow the puppies to follow and find the way out. He got them all out in 3:23.
Bill & Star were next. Star wasn't interested at all in the puppies, but Bill was working her like she was on a four-state cattle drive. The dog even started to lie down, but Bill made her get up and start over. I was beginning to get worried for Star and wondered why the challenge wasn't halted. Even one of the judges said she wanted Bill to stop. Only one pup got out.
Laurie & Andrew were up. Laurie made apologies before it started, saying Andrew would try and find a way out to find her to the exclusion of all others. Only one puppy made it out in time.
Beth Joy gave the puppies such well known commands (and I'm sure they understood her) as "Don't paw at her like that." Bella Starlet was nipping at the puppies because they were annoying her, and, frankly, because email isn't efficient for dogs in situations like this. There is no other way to get the message across. No puppies make it out in time and neither does Bella Starlet.
Travis & Presley's turn didn't go well. Presley runs through the maze like the wind, but doesn't pay any attention to the puppies. Probably because the pups were having a good time playing together. By the end of five minutes, no puppies had gotten out.
Teresa's strategy with Leroy is to be as low-key, low-energy as possible, which of course you couldn't tell from the way she immediately acted. Amazingly, the puppies follow Leroy (or Lee-Lee as Teresa was calling him) perfectly through and out the maze, as if they had been attached by a rope. They made it out in 4:31.
The judges were amazed at Teresa and Leroy's performance, saying Leroy really took care of those pups. (No he didn't; they just followed him; please don't project the stupidity of the challenge on these dogs.)
Laurie was reprimanded for Andrew nipping at a puppy. I agree with Laurie that Andrew was simply giving them a message that he wasn't in the mood for hi-jinks. (Again, I think it is ridiculous that the judges and the producers are trying to make us think that the dogs are capable of following the script and know they have to rescue or even take care of these puppies; they were all simply trying to get to their owners and the puppies either followed or didn't.)
Travis was told Presley wasn't engaged with the puppies and had no patience. (See paragraph above.)
Bill was told he was a disappointment in the way he pushed Star, saying the dog even gave him a clear signal by trying to lie down and licking her lips that she was stressed. (Well, did anyone bother to step in and stop Bill from possibly endangering the well being of his dog, or was it just good television?)
Beth Joy's beginning was good, the judges said, but Bella Starlet was stressed and barking constantly and simply wanted to get to her owner, ignoring the puppies. Typically, Beth Joy assumed more than her dog would ever be capable of. She said to the judges, "She was barking them towards a shelter area. She was trying to help them out." Oh, puh-leez.
The judge who shall be called Dog Clutcher was gaa-gaa over JD & Galaxy's performance. She said, "Whatever you whispered in Galaxy's ears worked. ... Move over Cesar Millan."
The judge who shall be called Britty McBrit disagreed. "I believe that any trainer or owner who uses dominance submission methodology, that is medieval dog training. The best scientists and behaviorists (but I'm sure she spelled it behaviourists) in this country agree that to train your dog in a positive manner gives it confidence and security."
Clutchy: "It's not your way or the highway. He has his way of training and you have your way."
Britty: "I totally disagree."
Clutchy: "You think you are the god of dog training." (I almost typed "the dog of god training.")
(Wait for it)
Britty: "Yes, I am, because I follow the very best in this country." (And she's modest, too.)
Clutchy: "That's just ridiculous."
Britty: "Do not say I am ridiculous." (leading me to believe she may not have heard correctly what the very best trainers in this country have said)
Clutchy: "Get over yourself."
Britty: "I am insulted."
Whew. Drama. I was expecting to come back from commercial and find the judge who shall be known as Old Guy in between Britty and Clutchy, keeping them from tearing each other apart.
But alas, Clutchy made nice and said Britty was probably one of the most impressive dog trainers she'd ever seen. They gave each other love pats. Awwww.
Special recognition for the challenge was given to Teresa and Leroy. But the bottom three were Bill & Star, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet and Travis & Presley.
The judges said Travis's hyper energy made it difficult for Presley to do his job (what are they thinking?), Beth Joy's increasingly shrill commands were reduced to bribes of treats and Bill pushed Star through the maze, losing track of what the maze was about.
Who took the loser lap?
Beth Joy & Bella Starlet. The long national nightmare is over, folks.
OK, all kidding aside, time and again the judges say that the dogs are stressed. And time and time again, the dogs are put through challenges that stress them or make their owners crazy and the stress flows down the leash.
Just look at how Star was desperate to end her participation in the challenge after the way Bill was forcing her time and again through the maze.
I just wonder how much money one's dog's well-being is worth. Is $250,000 a good amount for which to compromise your relationship with your dog or its health?
And I don't even want to know what an elephant will be doing in the next episode.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Greatest American Dog — Episode 6
Sorry the recap is a little later than usual. It was kind of a busy day in the newsroom.
Last night's show was all about intelligence, and none of it was about the humans.
The sixth episode of Greatest American Dog opened with Laura (of & Preston) talking about how nice it was to have Brandy (of & Beacon) gone. Travis (of & Presley) said that he could finally talk to other people with Brandy out of the picture.
He then spends quality time with Laura — and their dogs. Laura was smothering Presley with smooches. I think even Travis was taken aback. Or jealous.
The Dog Bone Challenge was called, by Weasel host, an IQ test, but it really was a nose test.
The dogs had to go around a wall to get to their favorite treat. There was a small opening through which they could see and smell the goody. The humans could only say "Go find it" and "Go get it." The dogs had five minutes.
Most of the dogs did find the treats. Andrew (of Laurie &) kind of walked around his owner. Sort of like what they did in the dancing competition last week. Well, it didn't work this time.
Beth (ugh) Joy's voice when it was Bella Starlet's turn got higher and higher until, I swear, only the dog could hear her. The pooch did get the treat in a little over 15 seconds (probably to get as far out of hearing range as possible).
The winner was Bill & Star, in 8.34 seconds. Yea, Texas.
So it was Bill's turn to receive the coveted golden bone. (snicker.)
Now Bill being a gentleman and probably tetched by the sun too asks if he can give the golden bone to somebody else. (snicker, snicker.)
The Weasel said (and I'm not making this up): "You can do whatever you want. You are holding the golden bone." (guffaw!)
To repay the favor Teresa (of & Leroy) did last week, Bill turns the luxury suite and the "leg up" for the elimination challenge (oh, I just put 2 and 2 together — leg up and elimination, who writes this stuff? Ha!) over to Teresa.
So the elimination challenge is called Salvador Doggie.
Get it?
A painting has to be created that represents the bond between the dog and the owner AND all the painting must be done by the dog.
I have to say that the editor of this show kept cutting to Leroy who had the most perfect "you've got to be kidding" expression I've ever seen.
All the paint was non-toxic, so as to avoid a situation similar to the radium dial painting women of the 1920s.
Oh, and the "leg up"?
Teresa will have the assistance of, oh brother, a dog art instructor.
Not an instructor that teaches someone to paint dogs playing poker on a a velvet canvas, but an instructor that teaches dogs to paint.
There's a sucker born ...
The paintings will be judged on how creative the project is, and ... this is hard to swallow ... the dog's technique and use of tools.
Bill has Star paint stars; Teresa said her relationship with Leroy is summed up by learning; Travis has Presley push paint rollers over stencils by smearing peanut butter on them; Beth (ugh) Joy makes Bella Starlet roll over and the dog yelps, then puts sponges on the dog's feet tied up with tape and the dog yelps more; Laura & Preston don't do much; Laurie & Andrew don't do much either but do it with a paint roller; JD has Galaxy roll over with letters on his back and the letters end up backwards.
I don't think anyone was paying attention when the Weasel said all the painting had to be done by the dogs.
The Best in Show Challenge begins with Beth (ugh) Joy & Bella Starlet. She said it was fun to put the sponges on the dog's feet and that they were working through the pooch's sensitive paw issue. The judge said it was good they were working through that issue.
Bill said their painting with the moon and the stars meant Star represented everything to him. The judge said the concept was touching, but the use of the solar system was predictable.
Travis opened up about having a commitment problem and Presley was the first thing that needed him. The painting looked like nothing frankly, and the judge said it looked as if he didn't use a lot of technique.
JD tried to convince the judges that the backward letters and incomprehensible words were meant to be that way. No one bought it. JD said, "Obviously dogs can't spell."
Teresa had a big L on her canvas surrounded by a moon and stars (was that predictable, judges, was it?). She said that Leroy sometimes drives her over the moon from the barking, but the dog is the moon and the stars to her. The judges were impressed by her technique. Meh.
Laurie & Andrew's painting looked like a poster or a pep rally slogan, according to the judges. She called the painting "He ain't heavy." Well, yeah, look at the dog. He's a 10 pound Maltese. The judge said that Andrew's personality wasn't in the painting. "You kind of missed the boat."
Laura & Preston's painting was supposed to be a great big heart, but to one of the judges it looked like a pink pretzel. "This sucks," the judge said. Laura then said that she knew that Preston was comfortable doing the painting. She then went on to say that one dog was crying (cut to Beth [ugh] Joy whose mouth was on the floor) and she didn't want to push him like that. The judge asked who it was and Laura told them it was Beth (ugh) Joy, without the (ugh), of course.
The judge said that (the royal) we are not into pushing the dogs into doing everything. But there are ways to create something that is enjoyable and fun and also good. They said that Laura could have done better.
I thought they were judging the dogs' techniques. I guess that would be silly.
Back in the green room, Beth (ugh) Joy asks Laura to explain the "call out." Beth (ugh) Joy said Bella Starlet only yelped twice (there were more) and at least she challenged her dog. Who'd have thought there would be a cat fight on a dog show?
Travis came to Beth (ugh) Joy's defense, saying she really does take good care of her dog. If Laura's eyes had been daggers, Travis would be bleeding like a stuck pig.
There's one commitment Travis won't have to worry about.
Back to the judging chamber: Teresa & Leroy were chosen for special recognition. yippee.
The bottom three were Laura & Preston, JD & Galaxy and Laurie & Andrew.
(JD is a putz; he was upset at being in the bottom three and when Galaxy tried to lick his face, he said, "Galaxy, no more; please don't." And he pulled away. It's just a stupid game and you act like that to your dog? Moron.)
The judges said that Laura did put much time or thought into her painting; Laurie rested on her laurels and didn't put any work into the painting; and JD's jumbled words and letters were clearly a mistake and he wanted them to believe they were intentional.
Who's taking the loser lap?
Laura & Preston.
And don't expect the paintings to be on display at the Metropolitan Museum any time soon.
Maybe the BowWowHaus.
Last night's show was all about intelligence, and none of it was about the humans.
The sixth episode of Greatest American Dog opened with Laura (of & Preston) talking about how nice it was to have Brandy (of & Beacon) gone. Travis (of & Presley) said that he could finally talk to other people with Brandy out of the picture.
He then spends quality time with Laura — and their dogs. Laura was smothering Presley with smooches. I think even Travis was taken aback. Or jealous.
The Dog Bone Challenge was called, by Weasel host, an IQ test, but it really was a nose test.
The dogs had to go around a wall to get to their favorite treat. There was a small opening through which they could see and smell the goody. The humans could only say "Go find it" and "Go get it." The dogs had five minutes.
Most of the dogs did find the treats. Andrew (of Laurie &) kind of walked around his owner. Sort of like what they did in the dancing competition last week. Well, it didn't work this time.
Beth (ugh) Joy's voice when it was Bella Starlet's turn got higher and higher until, I swear, only the dog could hear her. The pooch did get the treat in a little over 15 seconds (probably to get as far out of hearing range as possible).
The winner was Bill & Star, in 8.34 seconds. Yea, Texas.
So it was Bill's turn to receive the coveted golden bone. (snicker.)
Now Bill being a gentleman and probably tetched by the sun too asks if he can give the golden bone to somebody else. (snicker, snicker.)
The Weasel said (and I'm not making this up): "You can do whatever you want. You are holding the golden bone." (guffaw!)
To repay the favor Teresa (of & Leroy) did last week, Bill turns the luxury suite and the "leg up" for the elimination challenge (oh, I just put 2 and 2 together — leg up and elimination, who writes this stuff? Ha!) over to Teresa.
So the elimination challenge is called Salvador Doggie.
Get it?
A painting has to be created that represents the bond between the dog and the owner AND all the painting must be done by the dog.
I have to say that the editor of this show kept cutting to Leroy who had the most perfect "you've got to be kidding" expression I've ever seen.
All the paint was non-toxic, so as to avoid a situation similar to the radium dial painting women of the 1920s.
Oh, and the "leg up"?
Teresa will have the assistance of, oh brother, a dog art instructor.
Not an instructor that teaches someone to paint dogs playing poker on a a velvet canvas, but an instructor that teaches dogs to paint.
There's a sucker born ...
The paintings will be judged on how creative the project is, and ... this is hard to swallow ... the dog's technique and use of tools.
Bill has Star paint stars; Teresa said her relationship with Leroy is summed up by learning; Travis has Presley push paint rollers over stencils by smearing peanut butter on them; Beth (ugh) Joy makes Bella Starlet roll over and the dog yelps, then puts sponges on the dog's feet tied up with tape and the dog yelps more; Laura & Preston don't do much; Laurie & Andrew don't do much either but do it with a paint roller; JD has Galaxy roll over with letters on his back and the letters end up backwards.
I don't think anyone was paying attention when the Weasel said all the painting had to be done by the dogs.
The Best in Show Challenge begins with Beth (ugh) Joy & Bella Starlet. She said it was fun to put the sponges on the dog's feet and that they were working through the pooch's sensitive paw issue. The judge said it was good they were working through that issue.
Bill said their painting with the moon and the stars meant Star represented everything to him. The judge said the concept was touching, but the use of the solar system was predictable.
Travis opened up about having a commitment problem and Presley was the first thing that needed him. The painting looked like nothing frankly, and the judge said it looked as if he didn't use a lot of technique.
JD tried to convince the judges that the backward letters and incomprehensible words were meant to be that way. No one bought it. JD said, "Obviously dogs can't spell."
Teresa had a big L on her canvas surrounded by a moon and stars (was that predictable, judges, was it?). She said that Leroy sometimes drives her over the moon from the barking, but the dog is the moon and the stars to her. The judges were impressed by her technique. Meh.
Laurie & Andrew's painting looked like a poster or a pep rally slogan, according to the judges. She called the painting "He ain't heavy." Well, yeah, look at the dog. He's a 10 pound Maltese. The judge said that Andrew's personality wasn't in the painting. "You kind of missed the boat."
Laura & Preston's painting was supposed to be a great big heart, but to one of the judges it looked like a pink pretzel. "This sucks," the judge said. Laura then said that she knew that Preston was comfortable doing the painting. She then went on to say that one dog was crying (cut to Beth [ugh] Joy whose mouth was on the floor) and she didn't want to push him like that. The judge asked who it was and Laura told them it was Beth (ugh) Joy, without the (ugh), of course.
The judge said that (the royal) we are not into pushing the dogs into doing everything. But there are ways to create something that is enjoyable and fun and also good. They said that Laura could have done better.
I thought they were judging the dogs' techniques. I guess that would be silly.
Back in the green room, Beth (ugh) Joy asks Laura to explain the "call out." Beth (ugh) Joy said Bella Starlet only yelped twice (there were more) and at least she challenged her dog. Who'd have thought there would be a cat fight on a dog show?
Travis came to Beth (ugh) Joy's defense, saying she really does take good care of her dog. If Laura's eyes had been daggers, Travis would be bleeding like a stuck pig.
There's one commitment Travis won't have to worry about.
Back to the judging chamber: Teresa & Leroy were chosen for special recognition. yippee.
The bottom three were Laura & Preston, JD & Galaxy and Laurie & Andrew.
(JD is a putz; he was upset at being in the bottom three and when Galaxy tried to lick his face, he said, "Galaxy, no more; please don't." And he pulled away. It's just a stupid game and you act like that to your dog? Moron.)
The judges said that Laura did put much time or thought into her painting; Laurie rested on her laurels and didn't put any work into the painting; and JD's jumbled words and letters were clearly a mistake and he wanted them to believe they were intentional.
Who's taking the loser lap?
Laura & Preston.
And don't expect the paintings to be on display at the Metropolitan Museum any time soon.
Maybe the BowWowHaus.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Greatest American Dog — episode 5
Newsflash.
Beacon (of Brandy &) wants to go home.
So thinks Brandy (of & Beacon). The fifth episode of Greatest American Dog begins with Brandy projecting her feelings on her dog.
Obviously, the dog, who doesn't seem to listen to Brandy — ever — is the mastermind of this outfit.
Laurie (of & Andrew) tells her not to put expectations on dogs to be human because they are not.
Well, duh.
By the way, Beacon is wearing pajamas.
Bill and Teresa (of & Star and & Leroy, respectively) are yackin', as they would say in Bill's native Texas.
Bill misses his wife and goes on about it, saying he doesn't know how people go away from home.
The crusty older Texan tells Teresa that he wants to win the "Golden Bone" (they still manage to say that on this show with a straight face) so he can move into the luxury suite and put up pictures of his family.
Hey, Bill, there are these things called picture frames that you put, like, pictures in and you can probably clear off part of a nightstand and put them on them. It's like they were made for level surfaces.
Teresa thinks Bill is the sweetest man.
Oh, and this is a show about dogs.
Well, I did mention that Beacon was wearing pajamas.
The stakes of the first challenge have changed. The dog house is no more. It is now probably being rented out; these are tough economic times.
And the winner of the challenge will get a "leg up" — get it? — in the elimination challenge.
The pooches have to go across a small bridge over muddy waters. Not troubled, thank goodness.
The fastest wins.
Only two dogs manage to successfully cross the bridge: Star and Leroy.
Leroy is the fastest and Teresa asks if she can give Bill the "golden bone" so he can enjoy his family's pictures in the suite.
The little weasel host said that Teresa would be giving up the "leg up" (I'm not making this up, please realize that) as well. She is fine with that.
Cut to people lying around the mansion. Brandy is trying to teach Beacon to sit.
"Sit, sit, sit, sit."
Somehow doesn't work.
Brandy even pushes Beacon's back end down and he pops right back up.
Bill said, "Check her butt; it might be sore."
That made me laugh.
So on to the elimination challenge and the weasel says that the owners and their dogs have to come up with a one-minute dance routine. The "leg up" for Bill is a professional dancer, whose name I never heard of and don't care enough to Google, to work with them.
The dogtestants pick from different dance styles: Laurie & Andrew, ragtime; Laura & Preston, latin; Bill & Star, rockabilly; Travis & Presley, country; Brandy & Beacon, classical ballet; Teresa & Leroy, disco; J.D. & Galaxy, hiphop. I'm sorry, I've blocked from my mind what Beth (ugh) Joy and Bella Starlet danced.
They all practice, which as we know makes perfect.
Brandy starts crying and Travis tries to comfort her by saying she needs to act like she is playing and have some fun. Brandy said, "I don't want to lose because of my anxiety."
See where this is going, folks?
The competition:
Laurie walks around and so does Andrew, which the judges find to be charming with both of them having fun. OK.
J.D. has "got some moves there, boy." Beth (ugh) Joy squeaky talks to Bella Starlet. Leroy barks constantly at Teresa. Beacon practically ignores Brandy. Bill does an imitation of Jerry Lee Lewis and Star gives him paw. Travis wear a cowboy hat and jeans and Presley pretty much looks at him. Preston spends more time scratching at the collar around his neck than dancing with Laura.
The judges said that special recognition would go to ... Laurie and Andrew?
Huh?
I don't much care for the frat-boy persona of J.D., but his dance was a billion times better than Laurie's. And so was Bill's.
The bottom three: Laura & Preston; Brandy & Beacon; Travis & Presley.
The reasons: Presley didn't look enthused, Brandy made poor choices from having Beacon wear socks to not training him, Preston lost focus and Laura lost control.
The one to take the loser lap? Brandy & Beacon.
Brandy: "We have a deeper bond. She still has my heart and that's all that counts. I am leaving with my head held high."
She also said that she watched Beacon grow in the short time they were on the show.
OK, but he still wouldn't do a sit.
Beacon (of Brandy &) wants to go home.
So thinks Brandy (of & Beacon). The fifth episode of Greatest American Dog begins with Brandy projecting her feelings on her dog.
Obviously, the dog, who doesn't seem to listen to Brandy — ever — is the mastermind of this outfit.
Laurie (of & Andrew) tells her not to put expectations on dogs to be human because they are not.
Well, duh.
By the way, Beacon is wearing pajamas.
Bill and Teresa (of & Star and & Leroy, respectively) are yackin', as they would say in Bill's native Texas.
Bill misses his wife and goes on about it, saying he doesn't know how people go away from home.
The crusty older Texan tells Teresa that he wants to win the "Golden Bone" (they still manage to say that on this show with a straight face) so he can move into the luxury suite and put up pictures of his family.
Hey, Bill, there are these things called picture frames that you put, like, pictures in and you can probably clear off part of a nightstand and put them on them. It's like they were made for level surfaces.
Teresa thinks Bill is the sweetest man.
Oh, and this is a show about dogs.
Well, I did mention that Beacon was wearing pajamas.
The stakes of the first challenge have changed. The dog house is no more. It is now probably being rented out; these are tough economic times.
And the winner of the challenge will get a "leg up" — get it? — in the elimination challenge.
The pooches have to go across a small bridge over muddy waters. Not troubled, thank goodness.
The fastest wins.
Only two dogs manage to successfully cross the bridge: Star and Leroy.
Leroy is the fastest and Teresa asks if she can give Bill the "golden bone" so he can enjoy his family's pictures in the suite.
The little weasel host said that Teresa would be giving up the "leg up" (I'm not making this up, please realize that) as well. She is fine with that.
Cut to people lying around the mansion. Brandy is trying to teach Beacon to sit.
"Sit, sit, sit, sit."
Somehow doesn't work.
Brandy even pushes Beacon's back end down and he pops right back up.
Bill said, "Check her butt; it might be sore."
That made me laugh.
So on to the elimination challenge and the weasel says that the owners and their dogs have to come up with a one-minute dance routine. The "leg up" for Bill is a professional dancer, whose name I never heard of and don't care enough to Google, to work with them.
The dogtestants pick from different dance styles: Laurie & Andrew, ragtime; Laura & Preston, latin; Bill & Star, rockabilly; Travis & Presley, country; Brandy & Beacon, classical ballet; Teresa & Leroy, disco; J.D. & Galaxy, hiphop. I'm sorry, I've blocked from my mind what Beth (ugh) Joy and Bella Starlet danced.
They all practice, which as we know makes perfect.
Brandy starts crying and Travis tries to comfort her by saying she needs to act like she is playing and have some fun. Brandy said, "I don't want to lose because of my anxiety."
See where this is going, folks?
The competition:
Laurie walks around and so does Andrew, which the judges find to be charming with both of them having fun. OK.
J.D. has "got some moves there, boy." Beth (ugh) Joy squeaky talks to Bella Starlet. Leroy barks constantly at Teresa. Beacon practically ignores Brandy. Bill does an imitation of Jerry Lee Lewis and Star gives him paw. Travis wear a cowboy hat and jeans and Presley pretty much looks at him. Preston spends more time scratching at the collar around his neck than dancing with Laura.
The judges said that special recognition would go to ... Laurie and Andrew?
Huh?
I don't much care for the frat-boy persona of J.D., but his dance was a billion times better than Laurie's. And so was Bill's.
The bottom three: Laura & Preston; Brandy & Beacon; Travis & Presley.
The reasons: Presley didn't look enthused, Brandy made poor choices from having Beacon wear socks to not training him, Preston lost focus and Laura lost control.
The one to take the loser lap? Brandy & Beacon.
Brandy: "We have a deeper bond. She still has my heart and that's all that counts. I am leaving with my head held high."
She also said that she watched Beacon grow in the short time they were on the show.
OK, but he still wouldn't do a sit.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Greatest American Dog — episode 4
It was America's Top Dog Model last night on the fourth episode of Greatest American Dog.
The elimination challenge is a photo shoot with the dogs depicting an emotion.
But I'm getting ahead of myself, because on this show about dogs, it's all about the humans.
With David & Elvis gone, Ron (of & Tillman) says he's relieved that he won't have to sleep with one eye open. Elvis, you remember, bit Tillman during a tussle. Ron's statement is strange because he and David supposedly kissed and made up.
And Travis and Laura continue their long march toward hooking up. In the kitchen. While cooking. If I'm ever invited over to their house, remind me to eat a little something before hand.
Brandy continues her long march toward being jealous of Laura, and makes snarky remarks while the pre-couple continues "cooking."
Cut to the next morning and there's Beth (ugh) Joy preparing Bella Starlet's food, with syringes of something. Hmmm. Is there anything wrong with her pooch that requires medical intervention or is it simply Beth (ugh) Joy's neurotic behavior made manifest in how she (over)treats her dog?
I'm not sure I want an answer to that.
On to the Dog Bone Challenge where the owners will see how well they know their dogs. Kinda like a very furry episode of the Newlywed Game.
The owners have to indicate whether the dog will go for something (steak, stick, tofu?) or leave it alone.
Going for it = licking or mouthing; sniffing = leave it.
I'm sure those are rules we all live by.
Had I been given a choice about this show, I would have chosen "leave it."
Of course, we see the owners say that XXXXX will never touch YYYYYY, and then they are found completely wrong. And they are shocked. Shocked!
J.D. & Galaxy win the challenge for the second time, sending Travis & Presley to the doghouse. Travis said he grew up on a ranch so it's OK. He lived in a doghouse on a ranch?
Oh, and Tillman throws up in the swimming pool. Charmed, I'm sure.
Next the little weasel guy, sorry, the host Jarrod Miller comes in to brief the dogtestants on the elimination challenge.
As we know, it is a photo shoot and each owner will work with a professional dog photographer to best convey a word they've chosen out of a bowl.
J.D. & Galaxy, sneaky. Bill & Star, stubborn. Beth (ugh) Joy & Bella Starlet, mischievous. Teresa & Leroy, angry. Laurie & Andrew, curious. Travis & Presley, joyous. Brandy & Beacon, jealousy. No, just kidding. They picked loving. Laura & Preston, regal. Ron & Tillman, lazy.
My Kate could have done lazy.
Everyone starts planning how best to portray their word. Bill over reacts, obsessing over having to work with a photographer. Bill, chill!
To get him to look angry Teresa sprays Leroy with what we later find out is grapefruit juice/water and tries shoving a lemon in his face. Then she tries to anger him with a vacuum cleaner and Leroy bites her finger. She calls him a little bastard.
What family doesn't have its ups and downs. (Good dog.)
Laura gives Teresa a snarl band that is used in movies to make a dog show its fangs. Teresa doesn't know if she will use it, but keeps it anyway.
The shoot goes on, from contestant to contestant. Some of the pictures are pretty good.
The judges finally get to see the pix.
They pick J.D. & Galaxy's sneaky picture as the best in show. It really was quite good and beautifully depicted the word sneaky. Part of the win is having the picture printed in Dog Fancy magazine.
For the bottom three, the judges chose Ron & Tillman, Teresa & Leroy and Brandy & Beacon.
Tillman's picture was just his head lying on a chair or something. The judges felt Ron was the lazy one in producing the picture.
Brandy's loving idea with Beacon and roses didn't work.
Teresa admitted she used the snarl bands to create the angry effect and is trounced by the judges for using them. The word "inhumane" is used where "uncomfortable" might be more appropriate. Good thing she didn't mention spraying grapefruit juice in her dog's eyes.
Even though I don't have a dog in this fight, I was shocked that the judges tossed Ron & Tillman out.
So what if he didn't prepare for the hoity toity dog photographer. At least he didn't provoke his faithful companion to bite him.
To me there was no question that "inhumane" trumps "lazy" any day.
Bad judges. Bad.
The elimination challenge is a photo shoot with the dogs depicting an emotion.
But I'm getting ahead of myself, because on this show about dogs, it's all about the humans.
With David & Elvis gone, Ron (of & Tillman) says he's relieved that he won't have to sleep with one eye open. Elvis, you remember, bit Tillman during a tussle. Ron's statement is strange because he and David supposedly kissed and made up.
And Travis and Laura continue their long march toward hooking up. In the kitchen. While cooking. If I'm ever invited over to their house, remind me to eat a little something before hand.
Brandy continues her long march toward being jealous of Laura, and makes snarky remarks while the pre-couple continues "cooking."
Cut to the next morning and there's Beth (ugh) Joy preparing Bella Starlet's food, with syringes of something. Hmmm. Is there anything wrong with her pooch that requires medical intervention or is it simply Beth (ugh) Joy's neurotic behavior made manifest in how she (over)treats her dog?
I'm not sure I want an answer to that.
On to the Dog Bone Challenge where the owners will see how well they know their dogs. Kinda like a very furry episode of the Newlywed Game.
The owners have to indicate whether the dog will go for something (steak, stick, tofu?) or leave it alone.
Going for it = licking or mouthing; sniffing = leave it.
I'm sure those are rules we all live by.
Had I been given a choice about this show, I would have chosen "leave it."
Of course, we see the owners say that XXXXX will never touch YYYYYY, and then they are found completely wrong. And they are shocked. Shocked!
J.D. & Galaxy win the challenge for the second time, sending Travis & Presley to the doghouse. Travis said he grew up on a ranch so it's OK. He lived in a doghouse on a ranch?
Oh, and Tillman throws up in the swimming pool. Charmed, I'm sure.
Next the little weasel guy, sorry, the host Jarrod Miller comes in to brief the dogtestants on the elimination challenge.
As we know, it is a photo shoot and each owner will work with a professional dog photographer to best convey a word they've chosen out of a bowl.
J.D. & Galaxy, sneaky. Bill & Star, stubborn. Beth (ugh) Joy & Bella Starlet, mischievous. Teresa & Leroy, angry. Laurie & Andrew, curious. Travis & Presley, joyous. Brandy & Beacon, jealousy. No, just kidding. They picked loving. Laura & Preston, regal. Ron & Tillman, lazy.
My Kate could have done lazy.
Everyone starts planning how best to portray their word. Bill over reacts, obsessing over having to work with a photographer. Bill, chill!
To get him to look angry Teresa sprays Leroy with what we later find out is grapefruit juice/water and tries shoving a lemon in his face. Then she tries to anger him with a vacuum cleaner and Leroy bites her finger. She calls him a little bastard.
What family doesn't have its ups and downs. (Good dog.)
Laura gives Teresa a snarl band that is used in movies to make a dog show its fangs. Teresa doesn't know if she will use it, but keeps it anyway.
The shoot goes on, from contestant to contestant. Some of the pictures are pretty good.
The judges finally get to see the pix.
They pick J.D. & Galaxy's sneaky picture as the best in show. It really was quite good and beautifully depicted the word sneaky. Part of the win is having the picture printed in Dog Fancy magazine.
For the bottom three, the judges chose Ron & Tillman, Teresa & Leroy and Brandy & Beacon.
Tillman's picture was just his head lying on a chair or something. The judges felt Ron was the lazy one in producing the picture.
Brandy's loving idea with Beacon and roses didn't work.
Teresa admitted she used the snarl bands to create the angry effect and is trounced by the judges for using them. The word "inhumane" is used where "uncomfortable" might be more appropriate. Good thing she didn't mention spraying grapefruit juice in her dog's eyes.
Even though I don't have a dog in this fight, I was shocked that the judges tossed Ron & Tillman out.
So what if he didn't prepare for the hoity toity dog photographer. At least he didn't provoke his faithful companion to bite him.
To me there was no question that "inhumane" trumps "lazy" any day.
Bad judges. Bad.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Greatest American Dog — episode 3
The theme of last night's "The Greatest (yeah right) American Dog" was backstabbing and being wussies.
Hold on a second. I'm getting a phone call.
What? You're kidding.
OK, I've been told the theme of last night's show was teamwork.
But there was a lot of backstabbing and there were a lot of wussies.
Picking up where last week left off, Beth Joy (believe me, the second part of her name doesn't fit) screamed when the contestants got back to their house after the elimination round.
Beth Joy was still upset the judges didn't like her putting a dress on Bella Starlet. She singled out Laurie & Andrew for the little top knots on his head, which Laurie says is standard grooming for presentations.
Neither is pleased with the other. All the rest of the bipedal contestants roll their eyes and look askance.
Later, Elvis's (of David & Elvis) talent is made manifest by clearing the entire backyard play area of all dogs and humans except for Laurie & Andrew.
The others (wussies) are so terrified by Elvis and his alleged aggression that they leave when he is let off leash.
Andrew and Elvis play together nicely and Laurie and David bond. Or do they?
The Dog Bone Challenge is as exciting as untangling knots.
Which is what the challenge is: "Tangled Leash."
Paired off, the teams have to work together (see? teamwork) to get their dogs through, around, up and over benches and pillars while they are leashed.
Believe me, that description was MUCH more exciting than the actual challenge.
Travis & Presley and Brandy & Beacon win, though Brandy started going crazy and shrieking. Travis didn't appreciate that.
They choose Laurie & Andrew for the dog house. Laurie asks why and Travis pleads the fifth. Wussie.
Oh, and Brandy has the hots for Travis, but Travis is spending waaaaaay too much time with Laura (of Laura & Preston — ya need a scorecard!). Brandy is not amused.
The Best in Show Challenge is a relay race combined with an obstacle course. Two teams, five pairs in each. Dogs do the course, guided by the humans.
They decided who is best at what and divide up the obstacles. Then they practice.
During the first team's challenge, J.D. & Galaxy screw up the first Frisbee toss, even though that is their signature stunt. Ha. Beth (ugh) Joy & Bella Starlet don't do jumping through the hoops very well. Travis & Presley ace pushing the cart. Bill & Star do the see-saws and maze pretty well (except Star jumps out of the maze when Bill says out; Star was just doing what he said) and Laura & Preston race through the tubes. Time? 2:52.
Whew.
Second team: Teresa & Leroy catch the Frisbee on the first try. Laurie & Andrew do pretty well on the hoops, though Laurie cheats by increasing the size of the hole in the paper-covered hoop, Ron & Tillman mess up the cart pushing, David & Elvis have trouble with the seesaw (on leash) but whiz through the maze (off leash), Brandy squeals (stop it!) while Beacon goes quickly through the tubes, though Brandy holds the final, collapsed tube up for her dog (that's a no-no). Time? 3:01.
Not so whew.
All members of the quickest team are safe and move on to whatever next week holds.
The judges say that Ron & Tillman needed to prepare more, Brandy shouldn't have helped Beacon and Laurie should not have made the paper hoop hole bigger. The entire team is criticized for David having Elvis on leash. Laurie tosses David to the wolves, saying to the judges that Elvis was on leash because he had bitten other dogs.
The judges don't like that Laurie has traded team ideals for personal gain.
The bottom three: David & Elvis, Ron & Tillman, Laurie & Andrew.
David & Elvis are out. I wasn't surprised, because, while David had a great relationship with his pooch, there wasn't the same level of training on their part as the other two.
After their loser lap, David turns to his former contestants and the judges and says, "Elvis has left the building."
Everybody laughs uproariously.
Except me.
Hold on a second. I'm getting a phone call.
What? You're kidding.
OK, I've been told the theme of last night's show was teamwork.
But there was a lot of backstabbing and there were a lot of wussies.
Picking up where last week left off, Beth Joy (believe me, the second part of her name doesn't fit) screamed when the contestants got back to their house after the elimination round.
Beth Joy was still upset the judges didn't like her putting a dress on Bella Starlet. She singled out Laurie & Andrew for the little top knots on his head, which Laurie says is standard grooming for presentations.
Neither is pleased with the other. All the rest of the bipedal contestants roll their eyes and look askance.
Later, Elvis's (of David & Elvis) talent is made manifest by clearing the entire backyard play area of all dogs and humans except for Laurie & Andrew.
The others (wussies) are so terrified by Elvis and his alleged aggression that they leave when he is let off leash.
Andrew and Elvis play together nicely and Laurie and David bond. Or do they?
The Dog Bone Challenge is as exciting as untangling knots.
Which is what the challenge is: "Tangled Leash."
Paired off, the teams have to work together (see? teamwork) to get their dogs through, around, up and over benches and pillars while they are leashed.
Believe me, that description was MUCH more exciting than the actual challenge.
Travis & Presley and Brandy & Beacon win, though Brandy started going crazy and shrieking. Travis didn't appreciate that.
They choose Laurie & Andrew for the dog house. Laurie asks why and Travis pleads the fifth. Wussie.
Oh, and Brandy has the hots for Travis, but Travis is spending waaaaaay too much time with Laura (of Laura & Preston — ya need a scorecard!). Brandy is not amused.
The Best in Show Challenge is a relay race combined with an obstacle course. Two teams, five pairs in each. Dogs do the course, guided by the humans.
They decided who is best at what and divide up the obstacles. Then they practice.
During the first team's challenge, J.D. & Galaxy screw up the first Frisbee toss, even though that is their signature stunt. Ha. Beth (ugh) Joy & Bella Starlet don't do jumping through the hoops very well. Travis & Presley ace pushing the cart. Bill & Star do the see-saws and maze pretty well (except Star jumps out of the maze when Bill says out; Star was just doing what he said) and Laura & Preston race through the tubes. Time? 2:52.
Whew.
Second team: Teresa & Leroy catch the Frisbee on the first try. Laurie & Andrew do pretty well on the hoops, though Laurie cheats by increasing the size of the hole in the paper-covered hoop, Ron & Tillman mess up the cart pushing, David & Elvis have trouble with the seesaw (on leash) but whiz through the maze (off leash), Brandy squeals (stop it!) while Beacon goes quickly through the tubes, though Brandy holds the final, collapsed tube up for her dog (that's a no-no). Time? 3:01.
Not so whew.
All members of the quickest team are safe and move on to whatever next week holds.
The judges say that Ron & Tillman needed to prepare more, Brandy shouldn't have helped Beacon and Laurie should not have made the paper hoop hole bigger. The entire team is criticized for David having Elvis on leash. Laurie tosses David to the wolves, saying to the judges that Elvis was on leash because he had bitten other dogs.
The judges don't like that Laurie has traded team ideals for personal gain.
The bottom three: David & Elvis, Ron & Tillman, Laurie & Andrew.
David & Elvis are out. I wasn't surprised, because, while David had a great relationship with his pooch, there wasn't the same level of training on their part as the other two.
After their loser lap, David turns to his former contestants and the judges and says, "Elvis has left the building."
Everybody laughs uproariously.
Except me.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Greatest American Dog — episode 2
I can't believe it's only the second episode.
Tillman the bulldog and Elvis the jack russell got into a fight. Tillman gets bitten near the eye. His owner Ron is understandably upset but, you know, dogs are dogs and they get into scraps.
Elvis's owner Jack sleeps in the doghouse again, even though he doesn't have to, to avoid having the dogs in the same bedroom.
What a guy.
Ron says, referring to Tillman's losing battle with a much smaller dog, "He's a farter, not a fighter."
What a guy.
The dog bone challenge (sheesh) is a series of commands. The last dog to successfully perform wins the "golden bone" (they still haven't renamed it!) for his or her owner and a chance to live it up in the luxury suite, filled with dog toys and treats.
Travis & Presley win, sending J.D. & Galaxy, who won the first DBC, to sleep in the dog house. Travis welcomes everyone in the suite, which is quite unlike what J.D. did last week.
A bit of added drama occurred when Bill let Star outside the next (at least on tape) morning. Out of sight, Star yelps and Bill finds her bleeding. They are wisked to the vet. Star is examined and found to have a torn ear tip, possibly from a cat.
While waiting, Bill says that Star is not a dog, she's a companion. Cue the music.
The best in show challenge was called "Petiquette." At the Bone Appetit restaurant, oh my sides hurt from laughing, the dogs are tested in their ability to heel and then to sit in front of their favorite meal without eating it.
Much to everyone's amazement none of the dogs touch the food.
Most annoyingly though, Elan keeps saying "Ah, ah, ah" to poor large schnauzer Kenji.
The owners have to leave the dog on their pedestals and walk around the table. Kenji makes a break for it (smart dog) though. None of the other dogs follow (they had their chance — I'm beginning to wonder if Star planned her little medical incident just to get the hell away from the show).
The judges like how Laurie works with Andrew. they are amazed Tillman (the farter) leaves his steak alone. David needs to work on less confusing hand signals. Brandy's Beacon doesn't heel very well.
Travis talks baby talk to Presley (a good thing), Bella Starlet shouldn't be dressed up — by Beth Joy — especially when grooming is part of the challenge (a bad thing).
Bill & Star win best of show.
The bottom three are Elan & Kenji, Beth Joy & Starlet and David & Elvis.
Beth Joy tells the judges off, saying that it's in the Constitution that she should be allowed to dress up her pooch (no, not really). But she does say that one should be dressed up at a dinner party, if even one can't see how one is groomed.
Can't argue with logic.
Is spite of her outburst, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet will be back.
The judges boot Elan & Kenji. And they still make them take a non-victory lap.
Tillman the bulldog and Elvis the jack russell got into a fight. Tillman gets bitten near the eye. His owner Ron is understandably upset but, you know, dogs are dogs and they get into scraps.
Elvis's owner Jack sleeps in the doghouse again, even though he doesn't have to, to avoid having the dogs in the same bedroom.
What a guy.
Ron says, referring to Tillman's losing battle with a much smaller dog, "He's a farter, not a fighter."
What a guy.
The dog bone challenge (sheesh) is a series of commands. The last dog to successfully perform wins the "golden bone" (they still haven't renamed it!) for his or her owner and a chance to live it up in the luxury suite, filled with dog toys and treats.
Travis & Presley win, sending J.D. & Galaxy, who won the first DBC, to sleep in the dog house. Travis welcomes everyone in the suite, which is quite unlike what J.D. did last week.
A bit of added drama occurred when Bill let Star outside the next (at least on tape) morning. Out of sight, Star yelps and Bill finds her bleeding. They are wisked to the vet. Star is examined and found to have a torn ear tip, possibly from a cat.
While waiting, Bill says that Star is not a dog, she's a companion. Cue the music.
The best in show challenge was called "Petiquette." At the Bone Appetit restaurant, oh my sides hurt from laughing, the dogs are tested in their ability to heel and then to sit in front of their favorite meal without eating it.
Much to everyone's amazement none of the dogs touch the food.
Most annoyingly though, Elan keeps saying "Ah, ah, ah" to poor large schnauzer Kenji.
The owners have to leave the dog on their pedestals and walk around the table. Kenji makes a break for it (smart dog) though. None of the other dogs follow (they had their chance — I'm beginning to wonder if Star planned her little medical incident just to get the hell away from the show).
The judges like how Laurie works with Andrew. they are amazed Tillman (the farter) leaves his steak alone. David needs to work on less confusing hand signals. Brandy's Beacon doesn't heel very well.
Travis talks baby talk to Presley (a good thing), Bella Starlet shouldn't be dressed up — by Beth Joy — especially when grooming is part of the challenge (a bad thing).
Bill & Star win best of show.
The bottom three are Elan & Kenji, Beth Joy & Starlet and David & Elvis.
Beth Joy tells the judges off, saying that it's in the Constitution that she should be allowed to dress up her pooch (no, not really). But she does say that one should be dressed up at a dinner party, if even one can't see how one is groomed.
Can't argue with logic.
Is spite of her outburst, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet will be back.
The judges boot Elan & Kenji. And they still make them take a non-victory lap.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Greatest American Dog — episode 1
You know the phrase "It shouldn't happen to a dog"?
Well, Greatest American Dog shouldn't happen to any species.
I've said before that I'm not a fan of reality series. They are too contrived, and the "writing" is done in the editing room.
During the first episode, which aired last night, we met all the contestants vying for the title and $250,000 — from skateboarding bulldog Tillman (of the YouTube vid) and his human Ron to Bella Starlet, a mutt, who her human Beth Joy likes to call the "Pamela Anderson of dogs." Ugh.
I wouldn't compare my dog to Pamela Anderson even if it meant I would get $250,000. Some things come at too high a cost.
The 12 dogs and their owners all live together in an estate filled with food and dog furniture, and surrounded by sumptuous grounds with a large pool and dog-shaped topiaries.
There is nothing really innovative about the way the program is set up. There is a challenge at the beginning and a reward. There is an elimination challenge (and not the kind you have to clean up) and someone and their owner is sent packing off the island, er, off the runway, um, out of the kitchen. Whatever.
And there is a host named Jarod Miller, a "zoologist, pet expert, television host and go-to talk show guest," according to the CBS Web site. I remember seeing one of the first appearances of Miller on TV. He was on Letterman's show. There were animals; things didn't go well. Letterman made mincemeat of the guy. It was hilarious.
So the first "Dog Bone" challenge, for which the winner and its owner get to sleep in a luxurious suite outfitted with dog treats and toys. The winner's owner also gets to pick one pair to sleep outside in a large dog house. Oy. All the rest of the contestants have to sleep elsewhere in the mansion, poor babies.
The challenge was an interminable game of doggie musical chairs. The pups were lead around elevated platforms by their humans and when the music stopped, they (the dogs) had to get onto a platform in a sit position. Somehow I think the humans would have had a tougher time of it.
Whoever was not on a platform and in a sit position was out.
Did I say it was interminable? Well, it also went on too long.
We did find out that Leroy, a border collie, owned by Teresa, has a barking problem, and all Teresa does about it is shout at Leroy. Not great, Teresa. Don't get too comfortable.
The winner of the challenge was former professional snowboarder J.D., a "dog entertainer," which doesn't mean he entertains dogs, but entertains with dogs, and his pooch Galaxy, an English pointer/border collie mix.
He received the "golden bone" from Miller which unlocked the primo suite — mind you they were all taking this way seriously — and chose David, a doctor, and Elvis, a parson Russell terrier to stay in the dog house. David was not amused, and neither was I.
The other contestants took pity on David and brought him food and blankets and his luggage. Judging from the introductions made of these people at the beginning of the show, I wouldn't want to be rooming with any of them, so I think David got the better deal.
The elimination challenge was a talent show and the contestants broke up into teams of four pairs.
They were being judged by some really unappealing people: dog trainer Victoria Stilwell, Dog World & Dog Fancy editor Allan Reznik and author Wendy Diamond.
J.D. quickly chose who he thought would be the most talented: Teresa & Leroy, Bill & Star and Laura & Preston. They call themselves Team Aloha, so naturally the theme is beaches and grass skirts.
The judges don't like Leroy's barking (I agree), they thought Bill was nervous, Galaxy ends up on J.D.'s back (his signature trick, I'm sure he'll do it again and again) and Preston played with a beach ball, which the judges seemed to enjoy.
Team Bark Wag High — I'm not making this up — was made up of Brandy & Beacon, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet, David & Elvis (he's still in the building) and Travis & Presley.
The judges didn't like Brandy physically manipulating Beacon, who really didn't perform anything correctly, even a sit. Bella Starlet danced; whoopee. Elvis rolled over. Travis did the only clever routine. He pretended he was a cop and he frisked Presley who then played dead.
Don't try to get out of this the easy way, Presley!
The last team was Team Disco Dogs, complete with huge Afros and embarrassing clothing. Michael acted as host, leaving Ezzie to do practically nothing. Elan & Kenji do high fives and dance; Ron & Tillman do the skateboarding trick, which if you need to see it again search YouTube.
But Ron, come up with something else. You can't make it through the whole thing just being a dude who thinks he's cool.
The weakest pairs were Brandy & Beacon, Beth Joy & Bells Starlet and Michael & Ezzie. Two of which were heavy on the costumes. I really can't stand dressing up dogs.
Dignity, always dignity.
Too late for that.
Alas, the judges boot Michael, a self-described comedic actor and waiter, & Ezzie, a Boston terrier.
Then they made them take a farewell lap around the room. Again, oy.
Needless to say, I said I would blog about this reality series, but frankly, for the sake of the dogs, I'm praying for cancellation.
If you missed the first episode and should you feel the need to watch it, you can find it at CBS.com. That is, if there isn't anything better on the Weather Channel.
Well, Greatest American Dog shouldn't happen to any species.
I've said before that I'm not a fan of reality series. They are too contrived, and the "writing" is done in the editing room.
During the first episode, which aired last night, we met all the contestants vying for the title and $250,000 — from skateboarding bulldog Tillman (of the YouTube vid) and his human Ron to Bella Starlet, a mutt, who her human Beth Joy likes to call the "Pamela Anderson of dogs." Ugh.
I wouldn't compare my dog to Pamela Anderson even if it meant I would get $250,000. Some things come at too high a cost.
The 12 dogs and their owners all live together in an estate filled with food and dog furniture, and surrounded by sumptuous grounds with a large pool and dog-shaped topiaries.
There is nothing really innovative about the way the program is set up. There is a challenge at the beginning and a reward. There is an elimination challenge (and not the kind you have to clean up) and someone and their owner is sent packing off the island, er, off the runway, um, out of the kitchen. Whatever.
And there is a host named Jarod Miller, a "zoologist, pet expert, television host and go-to talk show guest," according to the CBS Web site. I remember seeing one of the first appearances of Miller on TV. He was on Letterman's show. There were animals; things didn't go well. Letterman made mincemeat of the guy. It was hilarious.
So the first "Dog Bone" challenge, for which the winner and its owner get to sleep in a luxurious suite outfitted with dog treats and toys. The winner's owner also gets to pick one pair to sleep outside in a large dog house. Oy. All the rest of the contestants have to sleep elsewhere in the mansion, poor babies.
The challenge was an interminable game of doggie musical chairs. The pups were lead around elevated platforms by their humans and when the music stopped, they (the dogs) had to get onto a platform in a sit position. Somehow I think the humans would have had a tougher time of it.
Whoever was not on a platform and in a sit position was out.
Did I say it was interminable? Well, it also went on too long.
We did find out that Leroy, a border collie, owned by Teresa, has a barking problem, and all Teresa does about it is shout at Leroy. Not great, Teresa. Don't get too comfortable.
The winner of the challenge was former professional snowboarder J.D., a "dog entertainer," which doesn't mean he entertains dogs, but entertains with dogs, and his pooch Galaxy, an English pointer/border collie mix.
He received the "golden bone" from Miller which unlocked the primo suite — mind you they were all taking this way seriously — and chose David, a doctor, and Elvis, a parson Russell terrier to stay in the dog house. David was not amused, and neither was I.
The other contestants took pity on David and brought him food and blankets and his luggage. Judging from the introductions made of these people at the beginning of the show, I wouldn't want to be rooming with any of them, so I think David got the better deal.
The elimination challenge was a talent show and the contestants broke up into teams of four pairs.
They were being judged by some really unappealing people: dog trainer Victoria Stilwell, Dog World & Dog Fancy editor Allan Reznik and author Wendy Diamond.
J.D. quickly chose who he thought would be the most talented: Teresa & Leroy, Bill & Star and Laura & Preston. They call themselves Team Aloha, so naturally the theme is beaches and grass skirts.
The judges don't like Leroy's barking (I agree), they thought Bill was nervous, Galaxy ends up on J.D.'s back (his signature trick, I'm sure he'll do it again and again) and Preston played with a beach ball, which the judges seemed to enjoy.
Team Bark Wag High — I'm not making this up — was made up of Brandy & Beacon, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet, David & Elvis (he's still in the building) and Travis & Presley.
The judges didn't like Brandy physically manipulating Beacon, who really didn't perform anything correctly, even a sit. Bella Starlet danced; whoopee. Elvis rolled over. Travis did the only clever routine. He pretended he was a cop and he frisked Presley who then played dead.
Don't try to get out of this the easy way, Presley!
The last team was Team Disco Dogs, complete with huge Afros and embarrassing clothing. Michael acted as host, leaving Ezzie to do practically nothing. Elan & Kenji do high fives and dance; Ron & Tillman do the skateboarding trick, which if you need to see it again search YouTube.
But Ron, come up with something else. You can't make it through the whole thing just being a dude who thinks he's cool.
The weakest pairs were Brandy & Beacon, Beth Joy & Bells Starlet and Michael & Ezzie. Two of which were heavy on the costumes. I really can't stand dressing up dogs.
Dignity, always dignity.
Too late for that.
Alas, the judges boot Michael, a self-described comedic actor and waiter, & Ezzie, a Boston terrier.
Then they made them take a farewell lap around the room. Again, oy.
Needless to say, I said I would blog about this reality series, but frankly, for the sake of the dogs, I'm praying for cancellation.
If you missed the first episode and should you feel the need to watch it, you can find it at CBS.com. That is, if there isn't anything better on the Weather Channel.
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