Greatest American Dog — episode 10, the finale

Well, the long national nightmare is over. At least for me.

SPOILER ALERT: If you don't want to know before you read the recap who won last night, skip down to the broken line now.




The winner of the "Greatest American Dog" reality series is Presley, an 18-month-old boxer whose owner is Travis, a 29-year-old bartender formerly from Perry, Okla., now living in LA. Where is he pursuing an acting career. Now we see why he was on the show.




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There was a lot of yacking on last night's show, the finale of the 10-week series.

JD and Laurie continued to butt heads about who is the best dog trainer and my methods works better than yours do, so there, nyah, nyah.

Just. Shut. Up.

The first challenge was one to eliminate the third wheel on the show.

It was to be an "intensive interview," so said the Weasel host.

Up first was Laurie & Andrew.

Judge Britty McBrit asked Laurie how she pushed Andrew during the competition. (I thought Britty was against anything deemed "aggressive" during training, so why did she use the word "pushed"?)

Laurie replied she didn't think a lot of the challenges were not geared toward smaller dogs, but she still had him do them.

Judge Clutchy McClutch (the poor dog she has a strangle hold on is ironically named Lucky) said that Andrew's world would fall apart if anything happened to Laurie.

"He'd be fine," Laurie said. She said she doesn't think there's anything wrong with raising Andrew to be so completely dependent on someone.

The scariest part of the interview was the "hands on" part with Clutchy, who amazingly gave poor Lucky over to Judge Old Guy.

Laurie has to go to the green room while Clutchy handles Andrew. She puts him down on the platform as Old Guy approaches with Lucky, who is even smaller than Andrew.

Andrew jumps off the platform and runs to the exit Laurie went through. Clutchy has to bring him back. Smooth move, Andrew. Sounds like you don't want Laurie to win $250,000.

After he is lugged back into the arena, Andrew runs around with Lucky, but then resumed his search for Laurie.

For JD's interview, Britty very sternly asked him what new thing Galaxy had learned during the competition.

He said that he (not Galaxy) had "opened his mind" to many different training techniques, but that he "didn't learn a ton."

Britty positively glowered as she asked him to describe his training technique. JD said his voice was stern and "I mean what I say and that's all I have to do."

JD: "So it's a real just mellow technique." Huh?

Clutchy examines Galaxy and asks how often she's bathed. JD grins and says only a couple times of year, but the rest of the time she's in the river, cleaning herself naturally.

Clutchy said a dog should be bathed once a month, and that "the Greatest American Dog should have a clean coat, and a beautiful smile with clean teeth."

When it was Travis & Presley's turn, Clutchy asked him what he's done right during the competition.

He said he was watching the other dogs to take what they do and try it with Presley. Old Guy wondered what surprised Travis most about Presley, and Travis said it was the way he feels affects his dog.

Travis said they "represent, like, a great dog and a great owner with a great relationship." Great.

Then Britty shows off her dog training skills — nonaggressively, of course — by teaching Presley to not take a treat until she says so.

While the judges deliberate, there's more yacking going on.

JD: "I would be just be so bummed to miss out on the biggest opportunity of my life to be eliminated. It would be a crusher, man." Words make sentence almost, dude.

Laurie: "I want to go to the end now, we are so close. It won't just be a loss for me, it will be a loss on positive dog friendly training as well." Don't worry, Laurie, we will survive.

Travis: "We are probably still the underdogs." Have no fear ... (Cue "Underdog" theme song)

The judges come back and Britty said that JD's relationship with Galaxy is based more on controlling domination than cooperation. Old Guy said Presley has potential, but "we are not sure that he has what it takes or you have what it takes." Clutchy said that Andrew is an adorable dog, but has separation anxiety.

JD & Galaxy are sent packing. Laurie says, "Oh my god."

Before his loser lap, JD said he is one of the most affectionate people you will ever see with animals. "It's too bad they didn't see that and the talent we have and the experience," he said. Britty purses her lips, obviously upset that JD hasn't seen the wisdom of her ways.

Everyone applauds.

Then bizarrely, and I had to replay it a couple of times to make myself believe what I saw, JD turned Galaxy upside down, her front paws on the floor and holding her back paws up in the air, touching them together.

JD: "And I hope America claps her hands, too. And I definitely wouldn't call it dominance training." OK. We get it. Now go away.

The second challenge was an agility run. First, the dog pushes a button then goes through a maze, then over teeter-totters, then across a narrow beam that sways from side to side, then jumping from platform to platform over spaces twice the dog's body length.

Then they brought back Susie the elephant to have the dogs fetch their favorite toy thrown underneath the beast, who has one leg held up (the better to crush you with, I guess).

They were judged on the owner's use of commands, owner's proximity to the dog, overall performance and overall progress.

Travis & Presley went first, going easily through the maze and over the other things. Travis squeaked Presley's toy repeatedly and tossed it under the elephant. The poor pooch hesitated to go under Susie, so eventually Travis went under the elephant himself. Presley finally took the toy.

Laurie & Andrew got through the maze, went very slowly on the teeter-totters, hesitantly on the beam, but flew over the platforms. Laurie tossed a toy under the elephant and there was no hesitation on Andrew's part to dash underneath and get it.

Back in the Best in Show arena, all the losers are there, with JD still looking mighty pissed.

Britty tells Travis that Presley showed tenacity, but he probably made it more difficult for the dog to go under Susie. "You had the squeaky toy and were squeaking all the time," Britty said. "It was making the elephant a little bit uncomfortable and then I think the elephant felt that stress and it went to Presley as well."

So tell me again how dominance training is bad but putting a manic dog under a nervous elephant is OK.

Clutchy told Laurie she thought she was mothering Andrew and was way too close to him during the agility part. "Then with the elephant it was incredible," Clutchy said.

Then there was MORE yacking during the final interview.

Just. Shut. Up.

Laurie said Andrew isn't really a clingy dog, blah, blah, blah. Travis said the competition was an amazing experience, blah, blah, blah, and will probably look real good on his resume.

He didn't really say that, but come on. He must have been thinking it, being an actor/bartender or bartender/actor.

The judges deliberate. Britty: "I have to say this is difficult."

Just make up your mind.

How many hours has this episode been on? Three? Four?

Anyway, finally, the Weasel announces the winner: Presley.

Presley: "Bark."

Travis: "Presley is the man." No, he's a dog. "He is amazing, and I love him."

Laurie said she is leaving with her head held "super high. We are going to continue with our great relationship."

Travis said, "I came here as a guy with a dog and 10 weeks later I'm leaving with the Greatest American Dog."

So it's over. I have to say that was the longest hour I've ever sat through.

I have two questions: How many of you sat there thinking "My dog's the greatest American dog, not any of those"?

Come on. (My hand's raised.)

And, do you think this show should come back next year?

(My hand's not raised.)