Greatest American Dog — episode 3

The theme of last night's "The Greatest (yeah right) American Dog" was backstabbing and being wussies.

Hold on a second. I'm getting a phone call.

What? You're kidding.

OK, I've been told the theme of last night's show was teamwork.

But there was a lot of backstabbing and there were a lot of wussies.

Picking up where last week left off, Beth Joy (believe me, the second part of her name doesn't fit) screamed when the contestants got back to their house after the elimination round.

Beth Joy was still upset the judges didn't like her putting a dress on Bella Starlet. She singled out Laurie & Andrew for the little top knots on his head, which Laurie says is standard grooming for presentations.

Neither is pleased with the other. All the rest of the bipedal contestants roll their eyes and look askance.

Later, Elvis's (of David & Elvis) talent is made manifest by clearing the entire backyard play area of all dogs and humans except for Laurie & Andrew.

The others (wussies) are so terrified by Elvis and his alleged aggression that they leave when he is let off leash.

Andrew and Elvis play together nicely and Laurie and David bond. Or do they?

The Dog Bone Challenge is as exciting as untangling knots.

Which is what the challenge is: "Tangled Leash."

Paired off, the teams have to work together (see? teamwork) to get their dogs through, around, up and over benches and pillars while they are leashed.

Believe me, that description was MUCH more exciting than the actual challenge.

Travis & Presley and Brandy & Beacon win, though Brandy started going crazy and shrieking. Travis didn't appreciate that.

They choose Laurie & Andrew for the dog house. Laurie asks why and Travis pleads the fifth. Wussie.

Oh, and Brandy has the hots for Travis, but Travis is spending waaaaaay too much time with Laura (of Laura & Preston — ya need a scorecard!). Brandy is not amused.

The Best in Show Challenge is a relay race combined with an obstacle course. Two teams, five pairs in each. Dogs do the course, guided by the humans.

They decided who is best at what and divide up the obstacles. Then they practice.

During the first team's challenge, J.D. & Galaxy screw up the first Frisbee toss, even though that is their signature stunt. Ha. Beth (ugh) Joy & Bella Starlet don't do jumping through the hoops very well. Travis & Presley ace pushing the cart. Bill & Star do the see-saws and maze pretty well (except Star jumps out of the maze when Bill says out; Star was just doing what he said) and Laura & Preston race through the tubes. Time? 2:52.

Whew.

Second team: Teresa & Leroy catch the Frisbee on the first try. Laurie & Andrew do pretty well on the hoops, though Laurie cheats by increasing the size of the hole in the paper-covered hoop, Ron & Tillman mess up the cart pushing, David & Elvis have trouble with the seesaw (on leash) but whiz through the maze (off leash), Brandy squeals (stop it!) while Beacon goes quickly through the tubes, though Brandy holds the final, collapsed tube up for her dog (that's a no-no). Time? 3:01.

Not so whew.

All members of the quickest team are safe and move on to whatever next week holds.

The judges say that Ron & Tillman needed to prepare more, Brandy shouldn't have helped Beacon and Laurie should not have made the paper hoop hole bigger. The entire team is criticized for David having Elvis on leash. Laurie tosses David to the wolves, saying to the judges that Elvis was on leash because he had bitten other dogs.

The judges don't like that Laurie has traded team ideals for personal gain.

The bottom three: David & Elvis, Ron & Tillman, Laurie & Andrew.

David & Elvis are out. I wasn't surprised, because, while David had a great relationship with his pooch, there wasn't the same level of training on their part as the other two.

After their loser lap, David turns to his former contestants and the judges and says, "Elvis has left the building."

Everybody laughs uproariously.

Except me.