Greatest American Dog — episode 1

You know the phrase "It shouldn't happen to a dog"?

Well, Greatest American Dog shouldn't happen to any species.

I've said before that I'm not a fan of reality series. They are too contrived, and the "writing" is done in the editing room.

During the first episode, which aired last night, we met all the contestants vying for the title and $250,000 — from skateboarding bulldog Tillman (of the YouTube vid) and his human Ron to Bella Starlet, a mutt, who her human Beth Joy likes to call the "Pamela Anderson of dogs." Ugh.

I wouldn't compare my dog to Pamela Anderson even if it meant I would get $250,000. Some things come at too high a cost.

The 12 dogs and their owners all live together in an estate filled with food and dog furniture, and surrounded by sumptuous grounds with a large pool and dog-shaped topiaries.

There is nothing really innovative about the way the program is set up. There is a challenge at the beginning and a reward. There is an elimination challenge (and not the kind you have to clean up) and someone and their owner is sent packing off the island, er, off the runway, um, out of the kitchen. Whatever.

And there is a host named Jarod Miller, a "zoologist, pet expert, television host and go-to talk show guest," according to the CBS Web site. I remember seeing one of the first appearances of Miller on TV. He was on Letterman's show. There were animals; things didn't go well. Letterman made mincemeat of the guy. It was hilarious.

So the first "Dog Bone" challenge, for which the winner and its owner get to sleep in a luxurious suite outfitted with dog treats and toys. The winner's owner also gets to pick one pair to sleep outside in a large dog house. Oy. All the rest of the contestants have to sleep elsewhere in the mansion, poor babies.

The challenge was an interminable game of doggie musical chairs. The pups were lead around elevated platforms by their humans and when the music stopped, they (the dogs) had to get onto a platform in a sit position. Somehow I think the humans would have had a tougher time of it.

Whoever was not on a platform and in a sit position was out.

Did I say it was interminable? Well, it also went on too long.

We did find out that Leroy, a border collie, owned by Teresa, has a barking problem, and all Teresa does about it is shout at Leroy. Not great, Teresa. Don't get too comfortable.

The winner of the challenge was former professional snowboarder J.D., a "dog entertainer," which doesn't mean he entertains dogs, but entertains with dogs, and his pooch Galaxy, an English pointer/border collie mix.

He received the "golden bone" from Miller which unlocked the primo suite — mind you they were all taking this way seriously — and chose David, a doctor, and Elvis, a parson Russell terrier to stay in the dog house. David was not amused, and neither was I.

The other contestants took pity on David and brought him food and blankets and his luggage. Judging from the introductions made of these people at the beginning of the show, I wouldn't want to be rooming with any of them, so I think David got the better deal.

The elimination challenge was a talent show and the contestants broke up into teams of four pairs.

They were being judged by some really unappealing people: dog trainer Victoria Stilwell, Dog World & Dog Fancy editor Allan Reznik and author Wendy Diamond.

J.D. quickly chose who he thought would be the most talented: Teresa & Leroy, Bill & Star and Laura & Preston. They call themselves Team Aloha, so naturally the theme is beaches and grass skirts.

The judges don't like Leroy's barking (I agree), they thought Bill was nervous, Galaxy ends up on J.D.'s back (his signature trick, I'm sure he'll do it again and again) and Preston played with a beach ball, which the judges seemed to enjoy.

Team Bark Wag High — I'm not making this up — was made up of Brandy & Beacon, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet, David & Elvis (he's still in the building) and Travis & Presley.

The judges didn't like Brandy physically manipulating Beacon, who really didn't perform anything correctly, even a sit. Bella Starlet danced; whoopee. Elvis rolled over. Travis did the only clever routine. He pretended he was a cop and he frisked Presley who then played dead.

Don't try to get out of this the easy way, Presley!

The last team was Team Disco Dogs, complete with huge Afros and embarrassing clothing. Michael acted as host, leaving Ezzie to do practically nothing. Elan & Kenji do high fives and dance; Ron & Tillman do the skateboarding trick, which if you need to see it again search YouTube.

But Ron, come up with something else. You can't make it through the whole thing just being a dude who thinks he's cool.

The weakest pairs were Brandy & Beacon, Beth Joy & Bells Starlet and Michael & Ezzie. Two of which were heavy on the costumes. I really can't stand dressing up dogs.

Dignity, always dignity.

Too late for that.

Alas, the judges boot Michael, a self-described comedic actor and waiter, & Ezzie, a Boston terrier.

Then they made them take a farewell lap around the room. Again, oy.

Needless to say, I said I would blog about this reality series, but frankly, for the sake of the dogs, I'm praying for cancellation.

If you missed the first episode and should you feel the need to watch it, you can find it at CBS.com. That is, if there isn't anything better on the Weather Channel.