Greatest American Dog — episode 5

Newsflash.

Beacon (of Brandy &) wants to go home.

So thinks Brandy (of & Beacon). The fifth episode of Greatest American Dog begins with Brandy projecting her feelings on her dog.

Obviously, the dog, who doesn't seem to listen to Brandy — ever — is the mastermind of this outfit.

Laurie (of & Andrew) tells her not to put expectations on dogs to be human because they are not.

Well, duh.

By the way, Beacon is wearing pajamas.

Bill and Teresa (of & Star and & Leroy, respectively) are yackin', as they would say in Bill's native Texas.

Bill misses his wife and goes on about it, saying he doesn't know how people go away from home.

The crusty older Texan tells Teresa that he wants to win the "Golden Bone" (they still manage to say that on this show with a straight face) so he can move into the luxury suite and put up pictures of his family.

Hey, Bill, there are these things called picture frames that you put, like, pictures in and you can probably clear off part of a nightstand and put them on them. It's like they were made for level surfaces.

Teresa thinks Bill is the sweetest man.

Oh, and this is a show about dogs.

Well, I did mention that Beacon was wearing pajamas.

The stakes of the first challenge have changed. The dog house is no more. It is now probably being rented out; these are tough economic times.

And the winner of the challenge will get a "leg up" — get it? — in the elimination challenge.

The pooches have to go across a small bridge over muddy waters. Not troubled, thank goodness.

The fastest wins.

Only two dogs manage to successfully cross the bridge: Star and Leroy.

Leroy is the fastest and Teresa asks if she can give Bill the "golden bone" so he can enjoy his family's pictures in the suite.

The little weasel host said that Teresa would be giving up the "leg up" (I'm not making this up, please realize that) as well. She is fine with that.

Cut to people lying around the mansion. Brandy is trying to teach Beacon to sit.

"Sit, sit, sit, sit."

Somehow doesn't work.

Brandy even pushes Beacon's back end down and he pops right back up.

Bill said, "Check her butt; it might be sore."

That made me laugh.

So on to the elimination challenge and the weasel says that the owners and their dogs have to come up with a one-minute dance routine. The "leg up" for Bill is a professional dancer, whose name I never heard of and don't care enough to Google, to work with them.

The dogtestants pick from different dance styles: Laurie & Andrew, ragtime; Laura & Preston, latin; Bill & Star, rockabilly; Travis & Presley, country; Brandy & Beacon, classical ballet; Teresa & Leroy, disco; J.D. & Galaxy, hiphop. I'm sorry, I've blocked from my mind what Beth (ugh) Joy and Bella Starlet danced.

They all practice, which as we know makes perfect.

Brandy starts crying and Travis tries to comfort her by saying she needs to act like she is playing and have some fun. Brandy said, "I don't want to lose because of my anxiety."

See where this is going, folks?

The competition:

Laurie walks around and so does Andrew, which the judges find to be charming with both of them having fun. OK.

J.D. has "got some moves there, boy." Beth (ugh) Joy squeaky talks to Bella Starlet. Leroy barks constantly at Teresa. Beacon practically ignores Brandy. Bill does an imitation of Jerry Lee Lewis and Star gives him paw. Travis wear a cowboy hat and jeans and Presley pretty much looks at him. Preston spends more time scratching at the collar around his neck than dancing with Laura.

The judges said that special recognition would go to ... Laurie and Andrew?

Huh?

I don't much care for the frat-boy persona of J.D., but his dance was a billion times better than Laurie's. And so was Bill's.

The bottom three: Laura & Preston; Brandy & Beacon; Travis & Presley.

The reasons: Presley didn't look enthused, Brandy made poor choices from having Beacon wear socks to not training him, Preston lost focus and Laura lost control.

The one to take the loser lap? Brandy & Beacon.

Brandy: "We have a deeper bond. She still has my heart and that's all that counts. I am leaving with my head held high."

She also said that she watched Beacon grow in the short time they were on the show.

OK, but he still wouldn't do a sit.