Greatest American Dog — episode 7

The theme of the seventh episode of the Greatest American Dog was search and rescue.

Like search for a way out of the show and rescue any dignity you have left.

The program opened with Beth Joy hugging Travis after the previous elimination round. Travis had stood up for Beth Joy and she said, "Happily, Laura got eliminated. The judges saw through her BS."

There's nothing like a sore winner.

BTW, Bella Starlet must have been channeling Elvis (remember David & Elvis?) because he nipped at Travis and was growling up a storm.

Laurie and JD have a great debate about dog training techniques. She feels he is doing it all wrong (through no-treat reward) and he says the proof is in whose dog is better trained. Let's see, Andrew the dancing fool or Galaxy the hip hop king.

I know where my money would be.

The Dog Bone Challenge this week teams up two contestants and their dogs.

One human gets in a box and waits to be rescued. One dog has to ring a bell and the other has to dig to find a rope which when pulled releases a door that opens allowing the human in the box to get out. Get it? Got it? Good.

JD and Laurie are teamed up (rut-row); Teresa and Beth Joy (Teresa is not amused); and Travis and Bill.

JD & Galaxy and Laurie & Andrew whizz through it, as do Travis & Presley and Bill & Star.

Not surprisingly, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet and Teresa & Leroy don't succeed. Bella Starlet didn't dig for the rope; she barked. Unfortunately, they went ahead and let Beth Joy out of the box.

And now a word about the crappy, infantile editing on this show.

The editing is infantile and crappy.

Team JD/Laurie completed the challenge in 1:45 (min:sec). After announcing that, the Host Weasel says, "Bill and Travis, you completed the challenge in" Cut to commercial. Is that the best you got?

Thank goodness for TiVo so I didn't have to wait an eternity for the results.

Turns out Bill and Travis bested the Odd Couple, coming in at 1:33.

Off to the Dog Bone suite and calls to a "loved one."

Travis calls his mom (awwwwwwww) and cries, and Bill calls his "old woman" and cries. How romantical.

The Best in Show challenge takes place in a maze. Each dog will start at the entrance and its owner will be at the end "guiding" them through. As evidenced by the actual challenge, the "guiding" was done by shouting, pleading and offering of treats.

The twist is that three puppies will be added to the mix, and the dogtestants will have to "rescue" all three by getting them through the maze within five minutes.

The "leg up" for Travis and Bill is a two-hour opportunity to acclimate their dogs to the squiggling, squirming, playful pack of golden retriever puppies.

Presley plays with the puppies like nobody's business, but Star doesn't want anything to do with them. You go, girl.

For the challenge, the judges come out of their cryogenic chambers, which is where I imagine the producers keep them during the rest of the week, to watch the dogs in action.

The owners will be judged on how well they motivate their dogs to get them and the puppies out of the maze. Each will have two minutes in the puppy pen before the task actually starts.

JD & Galaxy go first. JD works Galaxy like a herding dog, stopping and starting her to allow the puppies to follow and find the way out. He got them all out in 3:23.

Bill & Star were next. Star wasn't interested at all in the puppies, but Bill was working her like she was on a four-state cattle drive. The dog even started to lie down, but Bill made her get up and start over. I was beginning to get worried for Star and wondered why the challenge wasn't halted. Even one of the judges said she wanted Bill to stop. Only one pup got out.

Laurie & Andrew were up. Laurie made apologies before it started, saying Andrew would try and find a way out to find her to the exclusion of all others. Only one puppy made it out in time.

Beth Joy gave the puppies such well known commands (and I'm sure they understood her) as "Don't paw at her like that." Bella Starlet was nipping at the puppies because they were annoying her, and, frankly, because email isn't efficient for dogs in situations like this. There is no other way to get the message across. No puppies make it out in time and neither does Bella Starlet.

Travis & Presley's turn didn't go well. Presley runs through the maze like the wind, but doesn't pay any attention to the puppies. Probably because the pups were having a good time playing together. By the end of five minutes, no puppies had gotten out.

Teresa's strategy with Leroy is to be as low-key, low-energy as possible, which of course you couldn't tell from the way she immediately acted. Amazingly, the puppies follow Leroy (or Lee-Lee as Teresa was calling him) perfectly through and out the maze, as if they had been attached by a rope. They made it out in 4:31.

The judges were amazed at Teresa and Leroy's performance, saying Leroy really took care of those pups. (No he didn't; they just followed him; please don't project the stupidity of the challenge on these dogs.)

Laurie was reprimanded for Andrew nipping at a puppy. I agree with Laurie that Andrew was simply giving them a message that he wasn't in the mood for hi-jinks. (Again, I think it is ridiculous that the judges and the producers are trying to make us think that the dogs are capable of following the script and know they have to rescue or even take care of these puppies; they were all simply trying to get to their owners and the puppies either followed or didn't.)

Travis was told Presley wasn't engaged with the puppies and had no patience. (See paragraph above.)

Bill was told he was a disappointment in the way he pushed Star, saying the dog even gave him a clear signal by trying to lie down and licking her lips that she was stressed. (Well, did anyone bother to step in and stop Bill from possibly endangering the well being of his dog, or was it just good television?)

Beth Joy's beginning was good, the judges said, but Bella Starlet was stressed and barking constantly and simply wanted to get to her owner, ignoring the puppies. Typically, Beth Joy assumed more than her dog would ever be capable of. She said to the judges, "She was barking them towards a shelter area. She was trying to help them out." Oh, puh-leez.

The judge who shall be called Dog Clutcher was gaa-gaa over JD & Galaxy's performance. She said, "Whatever you whispered in Galaxy's ears worked. ... Move over Cesar Millan."
The judge who shall be called Britty McBrit disagreed. "I believe that any trainer or owner who uses dominance submission methodology, that is medieval dog training. The best scientists and behaviorists (but I'm sure she spelled it behaviourists) in this country agree that to train your dog in a positive manner gives it confidence and security."
Clutchy: "It's not your way or the highway. He has his way of training and you have your way."
Britty: "I totally disagree."
Clutchy: "You think you are the god of dog training." (I almost typed "the dog of god training.")
(Wait for it)
Britty: "Yes, I am, because I follow the very best in this country." (And she's modest, too.)
Clutchy: "That's just ridiculous."
Britty: "Do not say I am ridiculous." (leading me to believe she may not have heard correctly what the very best trainers in this country have said)
Clutchy: "Get over yourself."
Britty: "I am insulted."

Whew. Drama. I was expecting to come back from commercial and find the judge who shall be known as Old Guy in between Britty and Clutchy, keeping them from tearing each other apart.

But alas, Clutchy made nice and said Britty was probably one of the most impressive dog trainers she'd ever seen. They gave each other love pats. Awwww.

Special recognition for the challenge was given to Teresa and Leroy. But the bottom three were Bill & Star, Beth Joy & Bella Starlet and Travis & Presley.

The judges said Travis's hyper energy made it difficult for Presley to do his job (what are they thinking?), Beth Joy's increasingly shrill commands were reduced to bribes of treats and Bill pushed Star through the maze, losing track of what the maze was about.

Who took the loser lap?

Beth Joy & Bella Starlet. The long national nightmare is over, folks.

OK, all kidding aside, time and again the judges say that the dogs are stressed. And time and time again, the dogs are put through challenges that stress them or make their owners crazy and the stress flows down the leash.

Just look at how Star was desperate to end her participation in the challenge after the way Bill was forcing her time and again through the maze.

I just wonder how much money one's dog's well-being is worth. Is $250,000 a good amount for which to compromise your relationship with your dog or its health?

And I don't even want to know what an elephant will be doing in the next episode.