Greatest American Dog — Episode 6

Sorry the recap is a little later than usual. It was kind of a busy day in the newsroom.

Last night's show was all about intelligence, and none of it was about the humans.

The sixth episode of Greatest American Dog opened with Laura (of & Preston) talking about how nice it was to have Brandy (of & Beacon) gone. Travis (of & Presley) said that he could finally talk to other people with Brandy out of the picture.

He then spends quality time with Laura — and their dogs. Laura was smothering Presley with smooches. I think even Travis was taken aback. Or jealous.

The Dog Bone Challenge was called, by Weasel host, an IQ test, but it really was a nose test.

The dogs had to go around a wall to get to their favorite treat. There was a small opening through which they could see and smell the goody. The humans could only say "Go find it" and "Go get it." The dogs had five minutes.

Most of the dogs did find the treats. Andrew (of Laurie &) kind of walked around his owner. Sort of like what they did in the dancing competition last week. Well, it didn't work this time.

Beth (ugh) Joy's voice when it was Bella Starlet's turn got higher and higher until, I swear, only the dog could hear her. The pooch did get the treat in a little over 15 seconds (probably to get as far out of hearing range as possible).

The winner was Bill & Star, in 8.34 seconds. Yea, Texas.

So it was Bill's turn to receive the coveted golden bone. (snicker.)

Now Bill being a gentleman and probably tetched by the sun too asks if he can give the golden bone to somebody else. (snicker, snicker.)

The Weasel said (and I'm not making this up): "You can do whatever you want. You are holding the golden bone." (guffaw!)

To repay the favor Teresa (of & Leroy) did last week, Bill turns the luxury suite and the "leg up" for the elimination challenge (oh, I just put 2 and 2 together — leg up and elimination, who writes this stuff? Ha!) over to Teresa.

So the elimination challenge is called Salvador Doggie.

Get it?

A painting has to be created that represents the bond between the dog and the owner AND all the painting must be done by the dog.

I have to say that the editor of this show kept cutting to Leroy who had the most perfect "you've got to be kidding" expression I've ever seen.

All the paint was non-toxic, so as to avoid a situation similar to the radium dial painting women of the 1920s.

Oh, and the "leg up"?

Teresa will have the assistance of, oh brother, a dog art instructor.

Not an instructor that teaches someone to paint dogs playing poker on a a velvet canvas, but an instructor that teaches dogs to paint.

There's a sucker born ...

The paintings will be judged on how creative the project is, and ... this is hard to swallow ... the dog's technique and use of tools.

Bill has Star paint stars; Teresa said her relationship with Leroy is summed up by learning; Travis has Presley push paint rollers over stencils by smearing peanut butter on them; Beth (ugh) Joy makes Bella Starlet roll over and the dog yelps, then puts sponges on the dog's feet tied up with tape and the dog yelps more; Laura & Preston don't do much; Laurie & Andrew don't do much either but do it with a paint roller; JD has Galaxy roll over with letters on his back and the letters end up backwards.

I don't think anyone was paying attention when the Weasel said all the painting had to be done by the dogs.

The Best in Show Challenge begins with Beth (ugh) Joy & Bella Starlet. She said it was fun to put the sponges on the dog's feet and that they were working through the pooch's sensitive paw issue. The judge said it was good they were working through that issue.

Bill said their painting with the moon and the stars meant Star represented everything to him. The judge said the concept was touching, but the use of the solar system was predictable.

Travis opened up about having a commitment problem and Presley was the first thing that needed him. The painting looked like nothing frankly, and the judge said it looked as if he didn't use a lot of technique.

JD tried to convince the judges that the backward letters and incomprehensible words were meant to be that way. No one bought it. JD said, "Obviously dogs can't spell."

Teresa had a big L on her canvas surrounded by a moon and stars (was that predictable, judges, was it?). She said that Leroy sometimes drives her over the moon from the barking, but the dog is the moon and the stars to her. The judges were impressed by her technique. Meh.

Laurie & Andrew's painting looked like a poster or a pep rally slogan, according to the judges. She called the painting "He ain't heavy." Well, yeah, look at the dog. He's a 10 pound Maltese. The judge said that Andrew's personality wasn't in the painting. "You kind of missed the boat."

Laura & Preston's painting was supposed to be a great big heart, but to one of the judges it looked like a pink pretzel. "This sucks," the judge said. Laura then said that she knew that Preston was comfortable doing the painting. She then went on to say that one dog was crying (cut to Beth [ugh] Joy whose mouth was on the floor) and she didn't want to push him like that. The judge asked who it was and Laura told them it was Beth (ugh) Joy, without the (ugh), of course.

The judge said that (the royal) we are not into pushing the dogs into doing everything. But there are ways to create something that is enjoyable and fun and also good. They said that Laura could have done better.

I thought they were judging the dogs' techniques. I guess that would be silly.

Back in the green room, Beth (ugh) Joy asks Laura to explain the "call out." Beth (ugh) Joy said Bella Starlet only yelped twice (there were more) and at least she challenged her dog. Who'd have thought there would be a cat fight on a dog show?

Travis came to Beth (ugh) Joy's defense, saying she really does take good care of her dog. If Laura's eyes had been daggers, Travis would be bleeding like a stuck pig.

There's one commitment Travis won't have to worry about.

Back to the judging chamber: Teresa & Leroy were chosen for special recognition. yippee.

The bottom three were Laura & Preston, JD & Galaxy and Laurie & Andrew.

(JD is a putz; he was upset at being in the bottom three and when Galaxy tried to lick his face, he said, "Galaxy, no more; please don't." And he pulled away. It's just a stupid game and you act like that to your dog? Moron.)

The judges said that Laura did put much time or thought into her painting; Laurie rested on her laurels and didn't put any work into the painting; and JD's jumbled words and letters were clearly a mistake and he wanted them to believe they were intentional.

Who's taking the loser lap?

Laura & Preston.

And don't expect the paintings to be on display at the Metropolitan Museum any time soon.

Maybe the BowWowHaus.