Greatest American Dog — episode 8

If I hadn't been told what the theme of last night's episode of Greatest American Dog was, I never would have guessed it.

My first choice was "Stupidity." Then I decided the theme was "How to Scare the Bejesus Out of Your Dog (paper towels and Clorox extra)."

While I feel in my heart I was right, the theme, according to the Weasel Host, was "Courage."

Yes, the housemates found the courage to talk about Beth (Ugh) Joy now that she's gone. Yes, they found deep within themselves the courage to make fun of her.

I'm so proud.

And the housemates also found the courage to try and make their dogs do really stupid things, like sit and watch a 9,000-pound African elephant named Susie come charging toward them.

That was the Golden Bone challenge, which should have been renamed the Bonehead challenge for this week.

The poor trusting animals (the dogs, not their money grubbing humans) had to sit in a circle while Susie came toward them, at one point thrashing her head and making scary elephant noises.

If the dog stayed in the circle while Susie grabbed a banana with its trunk (I'm not making this up) the dog wins.

Unbelievably, Andrew (of Laurie &) and Presley (of Travis &) stayed put. Presley left the circle a split second after Susie took the banana.

Leroy, Star and Galaxy had the good sense to get the hell away from the elephant.

The tie breaker had Andrew and Presley in a sit-stay, with their humans off to the side facing them. Susie then charged toward them. The first dog to break the sit-stay loses.

Presley had the good sense to get out of the way of a charging elephant.

Laurie gets the luxury suite and a letter from her husband. She shows she actually has the courage to have feelings.

The elimination challenge has the trusting dogs go up an incline, across a bridge and then leap off a ledge and travel down a zip line.

I wouldn't do it, and they are making these poor dogs do it?

The Weasel said, "This may be the toughest challenge yet."

I didn't think anything would be more dangerous to the dogs than a 9,000-pound elephant, but there you have it.

The humans could choose to have their trusting dogs go up a steep incline or one that is not as difficult and across a narrow bridge or one that is wider. As far as "the leap of trust" they either do it or don't do it. The landing is 32 feet high and the zip line to which they are harnessed is 50 feet long.

The dogs and humans are suited up in harnesses. That way no one can get hurt, right?

JD & Galaxy are up first. Up the steep incline, no problem. Across the narrow bridge, no problem. JD goes down the zip line and calls Galaxy. Galaxy jumps off, coming down the zip line wagging its tail.

Teresa & Leroy go up the steep incline. Leroy barks. Teresa tells him to shut up. They go across the narrow bridge. Then comes the leap. Teresa keeps calling Leroy, he obviously doesn't want to jump.

After a commercial, we see Leroy frantically pacing along the edge of the platform as Teresa, ever more shrill, keeps telling him to come. The poor dog eventually jumps off, gliding down the zip line, its legs stiff.

Bill & Star go up the easier ramp, then across the narrow bridge. Bill goes down the zip line, but Star refuses. After a bit, the Weasel asks Bill, "Are you calling it quits?" when the question should be "Do you think you shouldn't keep asking your dog to something it doesn't want to do?"

Travis & Presley go up the steep incline and across the narrow bridge. Presley jumps off the ledge and flails his legs all the way down.

Laurie & Andrew go up the easier ramp as quickly as Andrew's tiny legs can, and across the narrow bridge, also quickly. Despite a squeaky toy, Andrew doesn't budge from the ledge.

Judge Britty said that "jumping from a height takes tremendous courage." No, it doesn't. The dogs didn't exhibit courage; they just trusted their humans and did what they wanted to please them. Remember Star in last week's episode, trying to lie down but getting back up immediately because Bill wanted her to?

The judges loved Leroy's leap of faith but hated his barking, thought JD's constant praise and encourage were impressive, told Travis he needs to be able to control Presley's excitability, chastised Bill for going up the easier ramp and for not making Star jump, told Laurie that a Maltese doing what he did was outstanding, but in the end the dog and his owner were failures because he didn't jump.

While the judges deliberated, or were being told by the producers what to do, the dogtestants went back to the mansion.

Bill said he was glad that challenge was over. Travis said, "Golly." Does anyone say "golly" anymore?

Travis said, "Golly, I got the worst comments of anybody there. My dog did everything it was supposed to do." Can't disagree with you there.

Then Galaxy was shown limping. The pooch was obviously hurt.

They bring in someone to look at the dog and she said it was a muscle strain. JD said he is going to do everything possible to help her and make sure she is rested.

But on with the show.

As the contestants come in to the judges' table -- sorry, that's Top Chef -- the judges' lair, Galaxy is still limping and Britty asks about it.

Judge Old Guy said, "We hope it isn't anything serious." Note, no one said, "Maybe we shouldn't have asked your dogs to leap off tall buildings."

JD & Galaxy get special recognition and Galaxy limps over to stand by the Weasel.

The bottom three:
Laurie & Andrew
Bill & Star
Travis & Presley

Judge Clutchy said Presley was a little out of control. Judge Old Guy said, in a bad way, Star went up the easier ramp, but wouldn't listen to Bill when you encouraged her to jump off the zip line. Judge Britty said -- and I almost threw my laptop at the TV when she said it -- "Laurie and Andrew, Andrew exhibited a lot of stress signals in front of the zip line. Lots of pacing backwards and forwards, which is a stress signal."

Well, yes, the dogs were stressed by this entire episode. You would be stressed too if there was an elephant charging toward you and then you were told to jump off a ledge. How dare they berate the owners for allowing their dogs to be stressed when the entire episode was devised to do just that.

And, excuse me Judge Britty, you didn't say that Leroy was stressed. He was pacing frantically at the edge, but eventually jumped. So I guess that stress was OK. Well, was it?

Bill & Star were chosen to leave. Britty said it was tough for them, but their performance was the weakest. Clutchy kissed whatever it is that she clutches on every show.

The preview of next week's episode hinted that an injury may force JD & Galaxy to go home early.

Happy now, CBS?